They might call it puppy love but I’m in the doghouse
Forget Kem Cetinay and Amber Davies, the winners of Love Island. On Monday night, England’s hottest couple were making out in Bedford. The small poodle – let’s call her Maisie – was on heat again. Whenever the vexed question of Maisie having puppies has been raised (by me), there is always a row.
Himself points out that when the Bengal had six kittens, it was he who had to be midwife, staying up all night knotting cotton round umbilical cords with his teeth. Plus, the vet’s bill could have paid for a new car. “If that bloody poodle has puppies, I’m out of here,” he says.
How unreasonable middleaged men can be! So opposed to doing interesting new things. I booked Maisie a date with a stud called Ziggy. His online profile pic was adorable yet oddly noble.
Having only a hazy idea of poodle sex, I figured I could drive Maisie to Bedford, she and Ziggy would do the deed, and I’d get her back home by dinner.
Later, if it emerged that she was pregnant, I could play the innocent, “Oh, she did go missing for a few minutes in the park” card. Unfortunately,
Ziggy’s owner said that the Wham-bam, that’ll-be-250quid, go-forth-and-multiply-toy-poodle scenario was not ideal.
Maisie should chill with Ziggy for a couple of nights and see if they felt they could take things to the next stage.
I drove home trying to come up with a cover story for the missing pooch. It was no use. I confessed.
Himself was irate, I was in the doghouse and Maisie was in Bedford, running up a bar bill in the love shack.
At midnight, I got a text with attached photos and the excited message, “We had a successful first tie!”
“Look,” I said proudly, handing the phone to Himself.
“Allison, if you want to look at poodle porn – poon – that is your concern,” he snorted.
This morning, I go to collect Maisie the minx. Will she be preggers? Will Himself come round? Or will I end up having to choose between life with a grumpy old dog (human) and snuggling up with puppies?
A friend emails to say: “Men tend to be reluctant to have new life in the world until it’s presented to them.” Is she right? Watch this space!