DECODING THE SCHOOL REPORT

What the teacher says:

“Barnaby certainly has a lot of energy in class.”

What the teacher means:

“Barnaby is a stark-raving lunatic.

I spend 80per cent of every lesson attempting to stop him climbing the walls, eating the class hamster, choke-slamming Parminder or trying interpretive dance.

If Ofsted allowed the use of tranquilliser guns, I would be taking him down with a dart full of ketamine every 25minutes. But they don’t, unfortunately, so on he goes.” What the teacher says: “Erica has been excelling in PE, so Mr Thompson tells me.” What the teacher means: “You’d better hope Erica is the next Serena Williams, because if my class is anything to go by, she cannot read or write. And given she is 16, that might be a problem.”

What the teacher says: “Sebastian is tremendously articulate for such a young age. He contributes well to discussions.”

What the teacher means: “Sebastian never shuts up. Does he want to take the class next term? It seems he wants to take the class next term. Honestly: Latin quotations, off-colour jokes, backchat. It’s like teaching Boris Johnson on a Ribena high.”