How to help our distressed sons
Arecent NHS survey has again highlighted the high levels of mental distress among adolescent girls. NHS Digital recently reported a 68per cent rise in hospital admissions in under 17s since 2007, with levels of self-harm, insecurity and low self-esteem rising at a frightening rate. The research shows that 24per cent of girls aged 14 now feel so lonely, distressed and unloved that their symptoms qualify them for a diagnosis of depression. This is double the rate reported in 2007.
However, there’s another aspect that’s equally important, although it didn’t receive as much attention. Depression in boys has also nearly doubled. True, the increase as well as the rates are lower – 9per cent of 14-year-old boys compared with 5.5per cent in 2007 – but the figures still represent substantial suffering.
How does mental distress present itself in teenage boys, and why does it receive less attention?
There’s essentially no gender differences in the rates of depression among prepubescent children. Behavioural problems and anxiety are the most common, with boys showing behaviour problems more often. At age 13, however, things start to change. A World Health Organisation report in 2002 on gender and mental health concluded that, in general, adolescent girls are prone to symptoms directed inwardly – eating disorders and depression – whereas boys are more likely to “act out”, through anger and high-risk behaviours.
One reason why concern is directed more towards girls is the belief that anxiety and depression constitute “real” mental suffering, whereas anger is triggered by hormones, merely an outlet for frustration.
This view is, however, misguided. Fear is as much a trigger for anger as it is for anxiety. In fact, fear is the very root of anger – fear of a threat, or losing something or someone important.
Also, why mental distress in boys appears to be lower is because it’s still regarded as more acceptable for girls to acknowledge their fears and anxieties. But adolescent boys worry, particularly about being accepted by their peers. They just find it harder to admit.
How, then, can you help if you suspect your son is significantly distressed?
Create opportunities when he’ll feel confident that you’ll really listen. Put down whatever you’re doing if you sense he wants to talk, and make sure no one else can hear. Never pass judgment, nor try to “fix” the problem. Instead, thank him for his trust in you, and ask if he’d like to talk to someone who might be able to help.
Finally, be a good role model. Admit when you’re feeling upset and tell everyone you need time to think, instead of selfishly venting your temper.
Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist and author of Siblings: How to Handle Rivalry and Create Lifelong Loving
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