How to survive siblings at Christmas
As Prince Harry and Meghan Markle plan to spend the festive season with his big brother, Linda Blair has some useful advice
According to recent reports, Prince Harry and fiancée Meghan Markle will spend their first Christmas together with his older brother’s family. The newly engaged couple are said to have accepted an invitation to spend Christmas Eve with the Queen and other members of the Royal family at Sandringham while they stay at Anmer Hall, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s Norfolk home two miles down the road.
Well, best of luck with that. A Christmas spent cooped up with your siblings – perhaps even more than, say, your parents or your inlaws – can quickly push the best of us to breaking point.
When we’re already feeling tired, old childhood rivalries can often surface in the face of the festive loss of routine. Throw in wives, husbands, children and new girlfriends and fiances into the mix and it can be a festive power keg.
With this in mind, I’ve come up with a plan to help you navigate your brothers and sisters more sensitively this Christmas.
Be aware of multiple roles
When the generations get together, everyone’s role – and therefore the rules about how to behave – become blurred. Over the course of Christmas, you’ll probably have to be a big or little sister or brother again, as well as an adult “child” to your parents, a parent to your own children and a partner to your other half… all at the same time. This can make it almost impossible to know how to react. Therefore, when in doubt, smile and don’t react at all. Wait until you feel a bit clearer about “who” you’re supposed to be at that moment, and you’ll avoid confusion and potentially hurt feelings.
Before you set off, text your siblings
It’s very important to let everyone in your family – especially the host – know when you hope to arrive, how many of you are arriving, and whether anyone has dietary requirements or other special needs. When families communicate, there are usually two strands to any message – the information itself, but also the emotional loading. For example, when I make a suggestion to you, am I reminding you of something, am I worried you’ll take offence, or am I defensively staking out my own boundaries?
The great thing about using your devices to communicate is that it gives you time to think about not only the message, but the intent you wish to convey. To avoid misunderstandings, use email, text or Whatsapp whenever you’re making Christmas plans. Reread anything you write before you send it, and think about the implied intentions before you respond to any messages.
Remind yourself of your own triggers
Before arriving at your Christmas get-together, take a few minutes to think about the sorts of comments from your siblings that are most likely to upset you. Is it when your brother goes on about some amazing talent his child has? Is it when your sister alludes to her salary, knowing it’s higher than yours?
If you’re primed for these comments ahead of time, you’re less likely to show irritation or perhaps even start a row.
Think, too, about your siblings’ sensitivities and resolve to avoid triggering hurt feelings. Instead, use the therapist’s trick: the power of silence. Rather than making unnecessary and hurtful comments or replying sharply, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly, and just wait quietly. Don’t say anything. The tension is more than likely to pass, and then you can change the subject.
Have realistic expectations
As children, if one of your siblings was moody and another bossy and usually unwilling to give a hand around the house themselves, there’s no logical reason why they’ll behave differently at Christmas. So it’s only asking for disappointment to have expectations that you know they are unlikely to meet. Remember, too, that everyone will almost certainly be really tired (and possibly a bit tipsy), so emotions are quite likely to dominate logic. Hope for the best, but don’t expect it.
Tips for the host
If you’re hosting a big family Christmas, you’ll have more to do than everyone else. At the same time, however, you’re in the best position to set the scene, to make the occasion the best and happiest it can be.
Create some structure
We all feel uneasy when we have no idea what we’re supposed to be doing. The trick is to offer a couple of “fixed” points each day. For example, let everyone know that Christmas lunch will be served at 2pm, and that you’ll open presents at around 5pm.
This tactic avoids the inevitable tensions that build up when siblings – or anyone else for that matter – feel they’re being forced to spend too much time together.
Every day, make sure you insist on a bit of structure, but also offer lots of freedom so everyone can relax, get out and about, or perhaps visit old friends.
Prioritise personal space
Everyone needs a retreat, somewhere to be alone if tensions are rising. Try to set aside a “time out” room in the house, a small comfortable spot where anyone can go, shut the door and de-stress.
Make use of natural de-stressors
Insist that everyone gets outside every day for at least 20 minutes so they can enjoy some space and exercise. This also means they’ll receive endorphins, our feelgood neurotransmitters. If you sense tensions rising, switch from wine to spritzers and slow down on refilling glasses.
Share out household responsibilities
When you assign jobs to family members, don’t compare them. It’s not “better” to set the table than it is to unload the dishwasher. Make sure you let everyone know their contribution is appreciated and valued equally.
The word is ‘cooperation’, not ‘competition’
If one sibling has been singled out for being the “best” at something, you’re asking for resentment from the others. Even as adults, siblings feel that old need to appear “special” compared to their brothers and sisters – so, parents out there, no prizes for the best tree decoration.
Set a spending limit for presents
If one sibling earns more – or at least spends more – on gifts than the others, this invites comparison and resentment. Let everyone know well in advance that there will be a cap on the amount that can be spent. Even better, insist as well on a Secret Santa among the adults, and limit the number of gifts given to each child.
Tips for adult siblings
Finally, a few tips for adult siblings to help minimise feelings of envy or rivalry and maximise positive feelings towards one another:
In conversation, avoid comparison words
It’s not what you or any of your siblings have accomplished or possess that sparks rivalry. Rather it’s trying to rate your accomplishments and possessions in relation to one another that gives rise to hurt and envy. “Better than” and “worse than” are out, even in your thoughts if you can manage it. “Different than I am”, “quite interesting” – those phrases are fine. Celebrate your differences rather than comparing them.
Happy Christmas.
Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist and author of Siblings: How to Handle Rivalry and Create Lifelong Loving Bonds. To order for £10.99, call 0844 871 1514 or visit books.telegraph.co.uk