Shane Watson
How to tell who your real friends are
Friendship has been in the news a bit lately. Friends falling out, specifically. We are all gripped (the females among us, anyway) because we’re thinking: “Oooh, nasty…” and, at the same time: “What do you expect? This lot don’t have a clue what real friends are.”
In the real world, friendship is not cosying up, cheek to cheek, for the cameras; it’s not those long, eyes-closed “but watch my nails, babes” hugs. It’s not sending flowers (that’s one definition of friendship: you’re not sending anything, you’re taking it round, and then you’re staying). It’s not flattering, and it’s not pointing out flaws. It’s not being in competition, and it’s wanting the best for each other – always (unless it’s the last pair of earrings in the shop on the beach, in which case it could get ugly). Most of us are pretty clear on how to tell a Real Friend from a lower case friend or a frenemy, but, just in case, here’s a quick reminder…
They know the boring details of your life. Your Real Friend is not the one who says: “How many brothers did you say you had?”
They can put your children straight, without raising your hackles.
They can read your mood like a police dog. They are the ones who say “Oooh… blimey… so we’re leaving now then…”
You would not hesitate to tell them you had an embarrassing problem, and they, in turn, would not hesitate to go to the chemist on the way over and pretend it was their embarrassing problem.
They occasionally tell you that you are out of order (similarly, you can say to them: “Am I being embarrassing?” immediately after impersonating a kangaroo baby, and get a straight yes or no).
They will properly concentrate when you are shopping, rather than thinking: “It’s fine… I want to get out of here” or (much worse) “She looks like Ronald Mcdonald, but it’s less effort to let her buy it”. This is not just being a bad friend, this is sabotage.
They are a big fan of your husband and fight his corner if necessary – which sounds wrong but actually makes you happy.
They are the ones you still speak to on the phone. They will ring to talk about nothing (another definition of Real Friendship is phone calls with no purpose). Also they will happily discuss how upset you are that you accidentally killed the climbing hydrangea/broke the water jug. They’ll say: “Oh NO! Not the splodgy one!” which is exactly what you need to hear.
They are fully up to speed with your sensitivities. They are not going to be the ones giving you body cream (eczema?) or a woolly scarf (eczema) or forcing you to sleep with the cat (more eczema). They also know things about you that you don’t; for example, that you panic when people ask what you do.
You can howl with laughter with them about something that happened when you were 18… you just have to say two words.
They are 100per cent reliable. They would never say: “Oh, you can borrow my ski gear, I’ll get it over to you,” and then never get it over to you.
You can just watch TV with Real Friends. You cannot just watch TV with friends.
You tell them to go and get a mole checked out. Then you badger them. It is on your mind until they get the all-clear.
They never stand you up.
They never show you up, or friendsplain, as in: “Ha ha, listen to this everyone, she doesn’t know where the equator is!”
There’s a lot more besides, but those are the basics.
‘They are the ones you still speak to on the phone. They will ring to talk about nothing’