Parting is such sweet sorrow... Tusk theatrically mourns a friend’s death

Was it for real? Or was it an act? A performance, calculated to rub in the humiliation – and give EU colleagues some private amusement?

Impossible to say. Either way, though, Donald Tusk’s manner was extraordinary. The president of the European Council was in Luxembourg to make a statement about the EU’S draft guidelines for the Brexit trade talks. You might have expected his manner to be brisk and businesslike.

But it wasn’t. Instead, his manner was – to an almost theatrical degree – solemn, sombre, grave. He spoke slowly, and quietly. Time and again he would pause, and let out a tiny sigh.

You wouldn’t think he was talking about future trading opportunities with a major world economy. You’d think he was announcing a death. Specifically: the death of an old friend. An old friend whom Mr Tusk had seen less and less often, in recent years. An old friend who’d become increasingly withdrawn, difficult, eccentric, and erratic. Who’d turned to the bottle, drinking ever more heavily, while angrily rejecting all attempts by loved ones to intervene.

How sad it was, Mr Tusk seemed to say. Poor, dear Britain. But then, how could anyone expect to survive, outside the EU? “Because of Brexit, we will be drifting apart,” he sighed. “In fact, this will be the first free-trade agreement in history that loosens economic ties instead of strengthening them.” He shrugged. “But this is the essence of Brexit.”

Mournfully, Mr Tusk shook his head – as though he only wished he could have done more to help. Then again, perhaps the old friend had been beyond saving. Some people were like that, sadly. If they didn’t want to listen, what could you do?

The EU, he added wearily, would “do our best” to reach some sort of deal – but when it came to Britain’s demands on trade, “a pick-and-mix approach for a non-member state is out of the question”.

Sitting alongside Mr Tusk was Xavier Bettel, Luxembourg’s prime minister. Mr Bettel’s attitude towards the departed seemed rather less sorrowful. The Brexit talks, he said bluntly, were “a damage-limitation exercise”, and the EU’S goal must be to avoid “giving the impression to other EU citizens that to be outside is more interesting than to be inside”.

He appeared to have little sympathy for the British. “They were in, with a lot of opt-outs,” he snorted. “Now they are out, they want a lot of opt-ins!” Mr Tusk did not laugh. He was too deeply preoccupied with thoughts of his late friend. “Of course, I fully understand and respect Theresa May’s political objective,” he said softly. “To demonstrate, at any price, that Brexit could be a success, and was the right choice.” He left a pause. A long, rueful, uncomprehending pause.

“But... sorry,” he resumed at last. “That is not our objective.” For a moment, both he and Mr Bettel sat in silence – as though they were paying their respects.