Parents must stop being their child’s friend and bring back boundaries, says headmaster

‘Mums and dads are there to set boundaries, which may provoke annoyance, but also give security’

PARENTS who try to be their children’s best friends are doing more harm than good, a leading headmaster has said.

Mothers and fathers are increasingly succumbing to “buddy syndrome”, according to Dr Martin Stephen, the principal of The National Mathematics and Science College. The imposition of clear parent-child boundaries is crucial for a child’s development, he argues. Dr Stephen explained that parents must be able to “dictate reasonable times for the child to be home by, to limit screen time and to sniff for the cigarette in the bedroom, as well as to hug the child when the longed-for invitation to the party doesn’t come, someone else is given the best role in the school play or the bike falls over with you on it”. Writing in the Times Education Supplement, he added: “Parents are there to set boundaries; boundaries which may provoke annoyance but also give security. Children can kick against those boundaries, but in so doing learn and learn again how to negotiate if they want changes.”

Mr Stephen, who was previously the High Master of St Paul’s School, said that another “unfortunate development” of recent years is the trend for parents to “ferociously defend” their child, regardless of what they have done. He recalled watching a sports match where a boy committed a foul and was sent off by the referee. The boy’s father later shouted at the referee for being “blind” and “ignorant”, while rubbing his son’s shoulders and saying, “It wasn’t your fault, son.”

Dr Stephen said children must learn that actions have consequences.

“If we defend our children regardless, we bring them up never to accept responsibility for their actions,” he said. Dr Stephen, who is the author of a book titled English Public School: A Personal and Irreverent History, said that “buddy syndrome” is rife among parents.

His sentiments echoed those of Barnaby Lenon, the ex-headmaster of Harrow and chairman of the Independent Schools Council. In his book, Much Promise, he wrote: “Boys need disciplining by schools and parents. They need it … and they can take it.”