What three-time grandparents are hiding
As Prince Charles confesses he’s not sure how he will cope with three grandchildren, Jane Corry offers some reassurance
When Janet Coles’s third grandchild was born, she was on holiday in France. “I remember whipping back to see him, thinking: ‘Golly, how is this all going to work out? I’ve already got two wonderful granddaughters. Will I feel the same for this one?’”
In fact, as soon as Janet clapped eyes on baby Sebastian, she felt “exactly the same sense of elation” as she had with his siblings.
No doubt this will be something Carole Middleton will also feel. And while the Prince of Wales is obviously delighted at the birth of his latest grandchild, he did joke on Tuesday: “I don’t know how I am going to keep up with them.” They might also be heartened to know there is an army of grandparents out there who are wondering whether that reservoir of grandparental love and energy is big enough for a growing brood. After all, two grandchildren per child is often the norm. But a third can be a surprise and possibly (dare we say it?) a bit of a burden.
Obviously, the practical side is covered when you are from a royal dynasty and there’s plenty of paid childcare help on tap, but those visceral feelings about how to fit lots of grandchildren into what are meant to be the golden years of your life can affect us all.
There are other worries, too. What if you’ve already got two of one sex and are desperate for a granddaughter or grandson? Will your own relationship with their parents affect the way you do, or don’t, bond with the new baby? Can any child be as special as the first grandchild?
“Initially, I thought I bonded so well with Sebi because he was my first grandson,” adds Janet, who is 75 and lives in Worcester. “But now I have 10 grandchildren, ranging in age from 11 to 19. I can honestly say that I love them all the same but in different ways – a bit like you might with your own children.”
Cari Rosen, editor of Gransnet (gransnet. com), agrees. “Many people assume there’s something special about the first grandchild. But when others come along, you appreciate each one for their different qualities and relate to them in different ways. Perhaps there is one who makes you laugh, one who is thoughtful, one who likes to talk, one who’s full of mischief, or one who reminds you of your own child when they were young. Each will have a unique and special place in your heart.” Yet there’s no doubt that some grandparents simply “click” better with certain grandchildren. “A grandmother might be more lenient with a boy or girl because she found it easier to bring up a son or daughter herself,” says Tina Elven, founder of Support 4 Kids. “Your relationship with the baby’s parents also comes into play. A grandmother who gets on very well with her daughter might bond better with her children than with those of an adult child whom she still finds difficult. Or a grandparent might see it as their chance to ‘start again’.”
Grandchild number three also heralds a more relaxed era, according to 53-year-old Sue Weedon from Okehampton, Devon, who has four granddaughters ranging from six months to 10 years.
“When the first two were born, my daughter-in-law, Lucy, was, like many new mums, quite protective, but when Sophia (now five) came along, she was far more relaxed, which made me do the same as a grandmother. Lucy was happy for me to look after her while she took the older children to their clubs and activities. We still love doing puzzles together and craft activities.”
The presence of a step-grandparent can also bring its own issues. One grandmother told me she had “no interest whatsoever” in any of her husband’s grandchildren, because they were part of his life before her. Luckily, this isn’t always the case. “My granddaughters have three step-grandads,” says Sue. “But it’s my ex-husband, who helped me bring up my two older sons, who is particularly hands on. They love him as if he was their blood grandfather.”
One gets the feeling that the Duchess of Cornwall will be a natural step-grandmother to the third, just as she probably is to George and Charlotte, but it is desperately sad the Princess of Wales was denied the joys of grannyhood. My own mother died young and one of my abiding regrets is that she wasn’t around for the arrival of her third grandchild.
Although this may not apply to the Windsors, number three also brings extra financial pressures. “Grandparents sometimes worry that this will be too much of a strain for their own children,” according to Tina Elven. “So they might not accept the news of a third as excitedly as they did a first.”
Your own lifestyle and health can also makes a difference. Jan, 63 from Birmingham, has three granddaughters (through her daughter) and is very “hands-on”.
“I do feel tired at times but I think that’s the responsibility, especially when you help to look after them all. My ‘granny duties’ definitely impinge on our own retirement time and I’ve had to cut down on some of my own interests. Having said that, of course I feel lucky to have them.”
A grandparent/grandchild relationship can also need working on like any other. “I have to admit that our third granddaughter Emily was very clingy to her parents and didn’t want much to do with us at the beginning,” adds Jan. “But now that she is five, we are as close to her now as we are to our first granddaughter.” Which takes us on to another thorny question – favouritism. Jo Fitzgerald is a former early years teacher, grandmother of one and the founder of Tiny Sponges, which helps families with their children’s emotional well-being. She always felt that others were her grandmother’s favourite which, she says, hurt. However, she also accepts that grandparents can be naturally drawn to one particular child in the family. “If that’s the case,” says Jo,
“try not to show it and treat them equally, both emotionally and materially. And also try to be fair with your time.” The good news for anyone about to be a grandparent third time round is that you’re an old hand. But watch out for flattery. One mother I know gave her third child an extremely unusual first name: “We only did it to curry favour with my husband’s grandmother, who was rolling in it,” she confided to me in the school car park. “It worked and she left us the lot.”