Confessions of a World Cup widow – week one
Back at Pearson Towers, World Cup fever is raging. The kitchen table has turned into England’s campaign headquarters, with a schedule of the matches and extensive colour-coding. Himself and the Boy emerge only rarely to forage for snacks before resuming their vigil.
Tentative inquiries as to whether I might be allowed to watch the news are met with a furious “Shhhhhhh!”, followed by eye-rolling disbelief. Does the woman not understand that we are living through a time both blessed and sacred?
Oh, she does, she really does. I don’t pretend to grasp the case against Ashley Young (“Total thug. Never liked him”), but how could you fail to enjoy a competition in which Germany play like England and England (for 10 astounding minutes) play like Germany.
World Cup Widow got special dispensation to watch Monday night’s England match against Tunisia. This is what I observed about the habits of Homo Fanaticus Britannicus:
1. Get the excuses in early: A Biblical plague of midges had swarmed up from the river to the Volgograd stadium to mate, but mainly to handicap Our Lads. The temperature was also a promising source of likely setback. “Somewhat warmer than anywhere else,” observed the commentator. Saudi Arabia? The surface of Mercury?
2. The need for a hero: A lot was resting on the captain, Harry Kane, who has a lovely, old-fashioned look about him. The knobbly nobility of his face like a young soldier in the trenches in 1914.
3. Self-protective cynicism: Delight at an early goal by our side turns to reflex p----taking. “Dear, oh dear! We always start playing a clever passing game then just desperately ping it up front.”
4. Mounting frustration: “OPEN GOAL – I could have scored that! Lingard’s missed three sitters so far. Get the useless b------ off!”
5. Therapeutic abuse of the ref: “A Kremlin plant.”
6. The opposition caught cheating (obviously): “Tunisia are very good. At rugby.”
7. Embracing despair like an old friend: “Doesn’t matter if we got a penalty. We’d only go and miss it.”
8. Half-time blues: “Has Nobby Stiles come on?”
9. Bracing for the worst (while checking phone and pretending not to care): “That’s more like England. Swiping wildly at the ball and missing.”
10. All is forgiven (even Lingard): Goooo-aaaa-llll! Prince Harry II scores with seven pounding heartbeats to go. “It’s the result that counts, isn’t it? Panama should be easy. We’re pretty much through.”
Start cycle again. With increased fervour.
More from the World Cup Widow next week. I’m off to stock up on snacks.