It’s not just mums going back to work
When maternity leave ends, the grandparent’s job often begins. Jane Corry shares advice
The alarm goes at 5.30am. I wake with a rush, remembering it’s my first day back at work after nine months. Will I still be up to the job? Like any new mother, I’m terrified. Except that I’m not a mum, I’m a gran. And my “gran-ternity” leave
– a phrase coined for grandparents who’ve had time off while their children are pregnant again – is over.
Some of you might remember my weekly Telegraph diary about being a first-time grandmother. Since then, I’ve had nine months off – but now it’s time to resume my two-daya-week “job”, looking after ninemonth-old George (freshly weaned) and two-and-a-half-year-old Rose, who is semi-potty trained.
It won’t be long before Carole Middleton is in the same boat, when the Duchess of Cambridge resumes her royal duties. I just hope her first day back goes better than mine.
Rose picks up the vibes and weeps inconsolably when her teacher parents depart for work. Then I have the daunting task of getting both of them dressed in time for Rose to make it to nursery, and I am woefully out of practice with toddler negotiation.
“No, Gan Gan,” declares my granddaughter when I try to put a dress on her. Meanwhile, George has been practising his bowling technique and those arms aren’t going in the holes I want them to.
“Get out the Calpol drip,” suggests Not So Newish Husband.
“You can’t do that if they’re not ill,” I reply indignantly.
“I wasn’t talking about them,” shoots back the answer.
Actually, I’m not the only gran who’s struggling. Sharon Bates, a 63-year-old former midwife and health adviser, has just resumed part-time child care for her two daughters, each of whom has a toddler and a baby. “Both my daughters returned to work at about the same time. I’m now three weeks in and am still getting back into the swing of it. The other day, one of my grandchildren did a runner in the
‘The older you get, the tougher it is. I won’t do two consecutive days – you need a rest’
park. I held on to her arm to stop her, and she got a dislocated elbow. I felt terrible.”
For other returnees, Sharon has some hard-learned advice: “Set boundaries. One of my daughters made a spreadsheet to make sure we all know where we are and to check that I don’t burn out.”
Parental coach Tina Elven, from support4kids.co.uk, says Sharon is on the right track. “When that carer is flesh and blood, it can be harder to set rules for fear of offending. But it’s actually vital to sit down, talk about expectations and discuss options.
“Many grandparents feel obliged to help out because their children can’t afford child care – but if you find you can’t manage with an extra little person to look after, say so.”
Susan Woods, a 69-year-old grandmother-of-five (between three months and 18 years) did exactly this. “The older you get, the tougher it is. I now won’t do two consecutive days because it’s dangerous. You need a rest in order to keep your wits about you.”
Ann Thomas from Worcestershire, however, didn’t have any time off when her second grandchild was born – and soon realised it was a different ball game looking after two. “But I know from being a mum myself that they grow up fast and I need to enjoy every minute. Isn’t this why we do it?”
“We” is the operative word here. It certainly helps to have two pairs of eyes on the children, but none of this is easy. Like many of us, I have to juggle emails and deadlines along with dirty nappies and toddler tantrums.
“Create clear dividing lines,” advises Su Ball of thefamilycoach.co.uk. “Set your work email to out-of-office, and resist the temptation to check messages when you’re with the children.”
I’m not resentful at all. I love looking after the children. But I am a bit strapped for time, so my husband has come up with his own solution. At the end of the second week, he hands me a printout. “What’s this?” I ask from the carpet, where I’m lying flat to ease my back after another day of lift-ups.
“It’s a list of au pair agencies. I thought we might hire someone to help you out…”
To order your copy of Jane Corry’s novel The Dead Ex (Penguin) for £6.99 plus p&p, call 0844 871 1514 or visit books.telegraph.co.uk