Readers, I give up. No one can do Mrs May better than she does herself

David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage. I used to love writing parodies of politicians. It was the best part of my job. Making a list of their favourite phrases. Identifying the quirks of their sentence construction. Isolating whatever made their manner distinctive or eccentric.

And then, once I felt I’d got the hang of their voice, using it to concoct a spoof highlighting the absurdity of their latest intervention.

It was fun. I felt like a small boy assembling an Airfix model. Carefully putting all these little pieces together: the cliches, the soundbites, the non sequiturs. Slotting them each into place with a dab of glue; working contentedly away, the tip of my tongue protruding from the side of my mouth in concentration.

Sadly, however, I can’t do it any more. Theresa May’s made it impossible. Because, no matter how desperately I rummage in the bran tub of my imagination, no matter how ridiculous the words I put in Mrs May’s mouth, no parody of mine could outdo the things she actually says.

Yesterday, to mark the start of Tory conference in Birmingham, the Prime Minister agreed to be interviewed by the BBC’S Andrew Marr. The following exchange is genuine.

Marr: “If we leave the EU without a deal, doesn’t there have to be a hard border in Ireland?”

May: “We’ve been very clear that we do not want to see a hard border between Northern Ireland and Ireland.”

Marr: “But if we leave without a deal, that does mean a hard border.”

May: “We are committed to making sure that we can provide a guarantee to the people of Northern Ireland.”

Marr: “But if we leave without a deal, you can’t guarantee that there won’t be a hard border, can you?”

May: “We are working to make sure that we leave with a good deal.”

Marr: “But if we leave without a deal, there will be a border in Ireland, won’t there?”

May: “If we leave with no deal, we... are still committed to doing everything we can to ensure there is no hard border.”

Marr: “But you’ll inevitably fail, because, according to World Trade Organisation rules, there has to be a border. Shouldn’t you level with people and explain that?”

May: “We remain committed to doing everything we can to ensure no hard border between Northern Ireland and Ireland.”

I mean, look at it. Marvel. Drink it in. How am I supposed to compete with that? It’s got it all. The pointblank refusal to answer the question. The mechanical reciting of hollow stock phrases. The tireless repetition. The grim-faced determination to plod on to the end, no matter how badly things are going. In just 200 words, it exposes with brutal clarity the weakness of Mrs May’s position.

It is, in short, a masterpiece of the satirist’s art.

Or it would be. If it weren’t real.