Bill Bailey’s 10 best jokes
1
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors door-todoor.
2
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One. No, two. No, four. No, eight. No, sixteen. Thirty-two. Sixtyfour. A hundred and twentyeight. Two hundred and fifty-six. Stop! Stop!
3
Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying: “Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.”
4
I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair. I call them the Eggs of Numbing Inevitability.
5
I’m a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.
6 Not a very well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone just in case there’s a disaster and they need to keep morale up. All cabin crew – fully proficient in the trombone. And of course there’s a double facility: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel.
7
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
8
Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
9
[On his approach to gardening] I was digging with a fork out of the kitchen drawer, sowing Tic Tacs, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. After a bit I got bored and just started burying cheap spoons to baffle the archaeologists of the future.
10
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.