The Daily Telegraph

Bill Bailey’s 10 best jokes

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1

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors door-todoor.

2

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? One. No, two. No, four. No, eight. No, sixteen. Thirty-two. Sixtyfour. A hundred and twentyeigh­t. Two hundred and fifty-six. Stop! Stop!

3

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying: “Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.”

4

I’m English, and as such I crave disappoint­ment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusio­nment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair. I call them the Eggs of Numbing Inevitabil­ity.

5

I’m a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

6 Not a very well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone just in case there’s a disaster and they need to keep morale up. All cabin crew – fully proficient in the trombone. And of course there’s a double facility: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel.

7

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitabil­ity.

8

Contentmen­t is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

9

[On his approach to gardening] I was digging with a fork out of the kitchen drawer, sowing Tic Tacs, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. After a bit I got bored and just started burying cheap spoons to baffle the archaeolog­ists of the future.

10

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

 ??  ?? Bill Bailey performs at the Drive-in Club, Brent Cross Shopping Centre Car Park, London NW4, July 28-30; thedrivein.club
Experiment­al: Bill Bailey in full musical flow at the Royal Albert Hall, London
Bill Bailey performs at the Drive-in Club, Brent Cross Shopping Centre Car Park, London NW4, July 28-30; thedrivein.club Experiment­al: Bill Bailey in full musical flow at the Royal Albert Hall, London

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