I keep chas­ing then ghost­ing peo­ple, but would like to set­tle down

The Guardian - G2 - - Health -

I have been sin­gle for a year and a half and feel I am stuck in a rut of chas­ing then ig­nor­ing peo­ple. I want a re­la­tion­ship and to set­tle down but I feel I am in a cy­cle where I don’t give enough time to the per­son I date be­cause I am con­stantly search­ing for the next. I am aware it means I treat peo­ple with less re­spect than they de­serve. In­ter­net dat­ing doesn’t help and I delete apps, then find my­self go­ing back to them. What should I do? Should I not see any­one for a while? Has any­one else found them­selves be­hav­ing this way and changed and, if so, how?

Give up apps – and ghost­ing

You say you want a re­la­tion­ship but are be­hav­ing in a way that you are fully aware is counter-pro­duc­tive. Is it that you’re not ready and would pre­fer to be sin­gle for a bit, or do you want it but are just ner­vous of get­ting hurt and thus shy­ing away when things start to progress? In any event, you don’t like your own be­hav­iour and are aware that it’s not re­spect­ful and not go­ing to get you what you’re look­ing for. The first step ... stop. Delete the apps and don’t down­load them again. Do not look at any other prospects be­fore fin­ish­ing with the cur­rent one. Give up the ghost­ing and fin­ish things prop­erly.

Hol48

Hear how it was for them

While I agree that it’s com­mend­able that you ad­mit to it, maybe hear­ing, quite a few times now, the side of some­one who has been ghosted, might put things in per­spec­tive? It is a hor­rid thing to do, as it leaves you, as the per­son con­cerned, won­der­ing what you did wrong and leads to wasted hours of ru­mi­nat­ing over why you weren’t even good enough to re­ceive any sort of clo­sure.

Af­ter much anx­i­ety, and still no clo­sure, you close down your­self, build a hard­ened bar­rier, and end up with very un­healthy trust is­sues, and a deep fear of en­ter­ing new re­la­tion­ships. it­snotwhoy­ou­think

Give your dates more time

A long-term re­la­tion­ship re­quires mu­tual trust. Trust has to be earned and given pro­gres­sively over time. By mov­ing on so quickly, you’re mak­ing it im­pos­si­ble to find out whether the per­son you’re mov­ing on from might make a good long-term part­ner. Be hon­est about what you want, make your de­ci­sion and then act ac­cord­ingly. Jonathanwest

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