All the places I’ll never live Coco Khan
They say there’s a fine line between love and hate. There’s only a single letter between a pet and a pest. Distinguishing between the two might be easy for some, but not where landlords are concerned.
Take my last landlord, who flew into a rage when he learned we were feeding a stray cat in our strictly-nopets building. It didn’t technically live there, we argued. “Neither do you any more,” he replied.
Now there are many animals living in my flat – mice. They scratch around in the walls, keeping us awake. They dart across the floor so quickly that you think you’ve hallucinated. They aren’t scared of you. Maybe you are the mouse. They are the masters of gaslighting.
I recall this when I phone my landlord, sleep-deprived and hysterical. He tells me that I’m overreacting, that mice are just a part of life. “lf I were to keep mice as pets, I’d be breaking the rules,” I counter. “What’s the difference?”
I’ve learned to tune out the squeaking with daydreams about this place on zoopla.com, that’s high in the clouds on the 44th, 45th and 46th floors of Manchester’s tallest building. There’s a high price tag (£3.5m), but there’s lots to this triplex penthouse: panoramic views, a concierge, marble floors, a home cinema and nearly 5,000 sq ft to personalise. The biggest sell, though, is the rumour that, the higher you dwell, the less likely you are to get mice. Count me in. @cocobyname