All the places I’ll never live Coco Khan

The Guardian - Weekend - - Let’s Move To -

They say there’s a fine line be­tween love and hate. There’s only a sin­gle let­ter be­tween a pet and a pest. Dis­tin­guish­ing be­tween the two might be easy for some, but not where land­lords are con­cerned.

Take my last land­lord, who flew into a rage when he learned we were feed­ing a stray cat in our strictly-nopets build­ing. It didn’t tech­ni­cally live there, we ar­gued. “Nei­ther do you any more,” he replied.

Now there are many an­i­mals living in my flat – mice. They scratch around in the walls, keep­ing us awake. They dart across the floor so quickly that you think you’ve hal­lu­ci­nated. They aren’t scared of you. Maybe you are the mouse. They are the mas­ters of gaslight­ing.

I re­call this when I phone my land­lord, sleep-de­prived and hys­ter­i­cal. He tells me that I’m over­re­act­ing, that mice are just a part of life. “lf I were to keep mice as pets, I’d be break­ing the rules,” I counter. “What’s the dif­fer­ence?”

I’ve learned to tune out the squeak­ing with day­dreams about this place on zoopla.com, that’s high in the clouds on the 44th, 45th and 46th floors of Manch­ester’s tallest build­ing. There’s a high price tag (£3.5m), but there’s lots to this triplex pen­t­house: panoramic views, a concierge, mar­ble floors, a home cin­ema and nearly 5,000 sq ft to per­son­alise. The big­gest sell, though, is the ru­mour that, the higher you dwell, the less likely you are to get mice. Count me in. @co­coby­name

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