For­mula One? I would beat Lewis Hamil­ton if we swopped cars

The Herald - Herald Sport - - Final Say -

WOULD be the last to crit­i­cise any­one’s taste. Am so far out of touch of mod­ern sen­si­bil­i­ties that I be­lieve club­bing is what warped peo­ple do to seals, rather than what warped peo­ple do with their week­ends.

But I must con­fess to be­ing be­mused about the hype and furore over For­mula One. It now has its own tele­vi­sion chan­nel. So, I am told, have young women who favour min­i­mal cloth­ing and talk­ing to strangers on mo­bile phones.

I can haz­ard a quick guess about the pre­cise cause of the pop­u­lar­ity of the lat­ter, but the for­mer is a mys­tery.

The at­trac­tion of cars lies in the same abyss for me that is heav­ily pop­u­lated by re­al­ity TV, the en­tire back cat­a­logue of Abba, the col­lected works of Dawn French, the sports ed­i­tor, rom-coms, es­pe­cially those with Jen­nifer Anis­ton, cooks that de­mand to be known as chefs, pro­grammes about peo­ple who heat food up and de­mand to be known as chefs, and the sports ed­i­tor. I know I have named him twice, but it’s best to be clear.

But back to the mo­tors. All my life I have been sur­rounded by chaps who view cars as part beau­ti­ful woman, part ego en­hancer and part state­ment of af­flu­ence.

As some­one who drives a Nis­san Dorma of such a vin­tage that both car and my­self are in­sured by Saga, I am aware that I have dis­qual­i­fied my­self from any ra­tio­nal dis­cus­sion about mo­tors but, in the fine tra­di­tions of this col­umn, it will not stop me hav­ing a go any­way.

My point against For­mula One is not that it is noisy, crass and un­pleas­antly com­mer­cial. So were the Sex Pis­tols and I lapped up all Lewis Hamil­ton in my Nis­san would match up against me in a For­mula One car. I may be able to burn out the clutch in such a mo­tor in 1.5 sec­onds, but Lewis does not have long enough legs to de­press a clutch on my mo­tor that is so slack it could be called Alice.

In con­trast, Maradona could play in bare feet against me in adi­das Preda­tors and he still just might come out on top at three-and-in.

The equip­ment car­ries too much of the ar­gu­ment in mo­tor rac­ing, much more than it does in horse rac­ing, where the jockey has to have

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