Formula One? I would beat Lewis Hamilton if we swopped cars
WOULD be the last to criticise anyone’s taste. Am so far out of touch of modern sensibilities that I believe clubbing is what warped people do to seals, rather than what warped people do with their weekends.
But I must confess to being bemused about the hype and furore over Formula One. It now has its own television channel. So, I am told, have young women who favour minimal clothing and talking to strangers on mobile phones.
I can hazard a quick guess about the precise cause of the popularity of the latter, but the former is a mystery.
The attraction of cars lies in the same abyss for me that is heavily populated by reality TV, the entire back catalogue of Abba, the collected works of Dawn French, the sports editor, rom-coms, especially those with Jennifer Aniston, cooks that demand to be known as chefs, programmes about people who heat food up and demand to be known as chefs, and the sports editor. I know I have named him twice, but it’s best to be clear.
But back to the motors. All my life I have been surrounded by chaps who view cars as part beautiful woman, part ego enhancer and part statement of affluence.
As someone who drives a Nissan Dorma of such a vintage that both car and myself are insured by Saga, I am aware that I have disqualified myself from any rational discussion about motors but, in the fine traditions of this column, it will not stop me having a go anyway.
My point against Formula One is not that it is noisy, crass and unpleasantly commercial. So were the Sex Pistols and I lapped up all Lewis Hamilton in my Nissan would match up against me in a Formula One car. I may be able to burn out the clutch in such a motor in 1.5 seconds, but Lewis does not have long enough legs to depress a clutch on my motor that is so slack it could be called Alice.
In contrast, Maradona could play in bare feet against me in adidas Predators and he still just might come out on top at three-and-in.
The equipment carries too much of the argument in motor racing, much more than it does in horse racing, where the jockey has to have