My wife is having an affair because I smell
Ithink my wife is being unfaithful to me. Don’t get the idea that I am being neurotic or paranoid here — I have evidence. No, I haven’t intercepted any incriminating emails or texts, nor has she disappeared in a suspicious manner (although come to think of it, she did spend a long time in Sainsbury’s the other day). Neither has she given any indication that she is preoccupied with someone else or unhappy with our relationship and her track record gives me absolutely no indication that I have anything to worry about.
In fact, on the face of it she gives every indication of being a loving wife and mother. However, she is almost certainly involved with someone. What do I base this on? Science, that’s what.
It seems that the more different your genes are from your spouse, the more likely you are to stay with him. If your genes are very similar, your wife is far more likely to have itchy feet (which must be a comfort to cuckolded husbands who thought their snoring or their smelly feet were to blame for their marriage break-up — guys, there’s absolutely nothing you could have done short of a gene transplant).
It all comes down to the major histo- compatibility complex — or MHC, as we shall call it. These genes are the key to immune system. Studies have shown that we can detect the make-up of another person’s MHC unconsciously through their sweat — and the more different someone else’s sweat is from your own, the more attractive they are to you.
This mechanism is thought to have evolved to prevent us unintentionally mating with relatives or others who are genetically similar to us, thus ensuring that our children have the greatest chance of fighting off disease. It also explains why not all smelly people live alone.
This is why I think that, while I sit here trying to earn enough to pay this month’s enlarged mortgage, Jo is probably lusting over a man who smells different to me. You see, Jo and I are both Ashkenazi Jews, and we Ashkenazis have a very small gene pool, so the chances are that Jo and I are very similar, genetically speaking.This would explain why we both like sushi and watching Celebrity Big Brother (indeed, spookily, we both like eating sushi in front of Celebrity Big Brother) and despise Anne Robinson (whose sweat neither of us want to sniff). Indeed, Jo and I have so much in common and get on so well, that she absolutely must be having an affair.
Before you start wondering why it is Jo who is having the affair and not me, according to the research, male infidelity is not affected by MHC. This is probably because men cannot multi-task — we are unable to register the smell of a female’s sweat while we are watching the football or sorting out our socks. (Actually, if I were to book a hotel room for the afternoon, it would only be because, as the father of two small children, I need to catch up on my sleep.)
No, the more I think of MHC, the more I think I should pop home to check that my wife isn’t involved in a clinch with a 6ft blond guy with blue eyes, a turned up nose and funny smelling sweat (indeed now I think of it she has in the past professed an admiration for the work of the rather Nordic-looking actor Ralph Fiennes, even when in Nazi uniform in Schindler’s List).
The only comfort I can take in my misery is that I am not alone. All you Ashkenazi guys with Askenazi wives are in the same boat.
We may not be able to change our genetic make-up but that does not mean we are powerless. I’m just off to buy some new aftershave, bleach for my hair and a pair of platform shoes — I suggest that you all do the same.