It is time for a novice, so vote for me
FOR THE past three weeks we have watched political conference after political conference. First Nick Clegg for the Liberal Democrats, then Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown and finally Conservative leader David Cameron (who surely must be related to Clegg, right?) have set forth their visions for the country.
They have all attempted to reassure, to inspire and to persuade us that they have the answers. I am not convinced. Although I have never sought political office before, I feel that this is the time when, as a citizen of this fine country of ours, I should stand up and be counted.
There are many challenges facing us — we can all see that hard-working families around the country are struggling to make ends meet. I am here to help them. But more than this, I hold out a hand to those who are less hard working — lazy even. I and my party will not countenance discrimination on the grounds of indolence — that cannot happen in the 21st century.
The key word for me is change. If we do not adapt we will not be able to face the challenges that face our great island nation. We must be stand steadfast against the tide of credit, er, crunchiness which threatens to engulf us and indeed sink us.
We will never surrender to the evil of the shorts sellers. Indeed, whether these people are selling trousers, culottes or even boot-cut jeans we cannot allow them to threaten our cherished way of life. I refer to long shadows on the village green, the crack of leather on willow, 4x4s double parked in the high streets of our indomitable green suburbs. These are the things which made our country great. These are the things we must fight for on the beaches, on the rooftops, in the streets, on the way home from shul.
There are no quick fixes to this crisis. There will be times when we crave prime brisket but have to make do with stuffed cabbage. No one knows when we will emerge from this terrible crisis which, let me remind you, has already caused pain and suffering to estate agents the length and breadth of the country — and there have been bad effects as well.
Some say it is a time to turn back and retreat. Well, you turn if you want to, but this columnist is not for turning.
What we need is a plan of action. Let there be no more talking. Let the discussions end. There is no point in endless negotiation, sub-committees, talking shops and think tanks. What we require is not groups of politicians in smoked-filled rooms coming up with lengthy documents which take us nowhere. The people of this country look to us not for chit chat, not for a yenta over coffee and a piece of cake (or perhaps a one of those nice kichels), but action.
We do not yet know the form that this action will take. But when we do know, let me tell you that we will waste no time on flowery words or empty gestures. There is no room for rhetoric or bluster or prevarication. Let me give you a solemn assurance that my government will talk decisively about what is needed for the future, and that when the time for action is ripe, we will not be found wanting.
People of Britain — I have a dream, a dream that one day the only fear we will have is of fear itself. I may be the first JC columnist in generations to say with confidence, go back to your constituencies, and prepare for Shabbat.