OY, IS it tense right now. Battlelines have been drawn, missiles are going back and forth and negotiations keep breaking down – in fact I think we could do with Obama stepping in.
And no, I’m not talking about the Israel-Gaza conflict. I’m referring to life in One Direction right now.
As you may have read in your JC recently, I have been shepping plenty of naches with the Jewish community because I throw the occasional Yiddish phrase onto my Twitter feed and because I turn up for a nosh at kosher restaurants and pop into Daniel’s for a bagel and a kibitz. In fact, some people have even decided for some obscure reason that I’m Jewish — why, I couldn’t tell you.
Anyway, lots of other people have been kvetching about me being too proIsrael – someone actually accused me of “supporting Israel and their slaughter of innocent civilians”. Well, I can tell them that while Israel and the Jewish people are almost mishpoche to me, I’m not into the idea of slaughtering anything other than the occasional Blondie song.
And then of course I have all the tsores from one of my own band members. Zayn has tweeted #FreePalestine. Most people can do that and no one will pay much attention but because he has 13 million followers, everyone, including me, has been made aware of his constant kvetching about Israel.
Plenty of people have suggested ways of sorting this out, most of whom who know bupkes about what’s going on. I have had someone inform me that the best answer would be a two-band solution, with Zayn going in one direction and me going in another. I have had someone else on the phone saying that Secretary of State Kerry was happy to step in and conduct peace negotiations between Zayn and me, so long as we signed a few T-shirts for his family members. Others in the Free Palestine camp have been saying that Zayn should renounce my right to exist.
Obviously I have been platzing constantly, but as far as I can work out the whole thing is about gornisht. I mean, it’s silly season, there’s not much news about (except for two major conflicts and the Commonwealth Games) and everyone is down at the beach fressing and shikkering and they want some loshen hora in the newspaper.
Absolutely none of this is my fault – from where do they even get the idea that I associate with Jews or have any sympathies in that, er, direction?
Anyway, I’ve had a chat with Simon Cowell (who is a complete mensch, btw) and he says that he has been attacked in a similar way just because he gave a few shekels to the IDF. Now because the war has broken out they have decided to have a go at him – I mean what a pain in the tuches for everyone.
So I’m not going to be the shlemiel in this situation. I’m keeping shtum and am going to get away for a couple of weeks until all this blows over and we can all get back to tachlis.
Hmm, it seems there are plenty of cheap package deals to Eilat on offer — they’ll never look for me there.
I have been
but they know
*As imagined by Simon Round