MYWEEK

The Jewish Chronicle - - COMMENT -

OY, IS it tense right now. Battlelines have been drawn, mis­siles are go­ing back and forth and ne­go­ti­a­tions keep break­ing down – in fact I think we could do with Obama step­ping in.

And no, I’m not talk­ing about the Is­rael-Gaza con­flict. I’m re­fer­ring to life in One Di­rec­tion right now.

As you may have read in your JC re­cently, I have been shep­ping plenty of naches with the Jewish com­mu­nity be­cause I throw the oc­ca­sional Yid­dish phrase onto my Twit­ter feed and be­cause I turn up for a nosh at kosher restau­rants and pop into Daniel’s for a bagel and a kib­itz. In fact, some peo­ple have even de­cided for some ob­scure rea­son that I’m Jewish — why, I couldn’t tell you.

Any­way, lots of other peo­ple have been kvetch­ing about me be­ing too proIs­rael – some­one ac­tu­ally ac­cused me of “sup­port­ing Is­rael and their slaugh­ter of in­no­cent civil­ians”. Well, I can tell them that while Is­rael and the Jewish peo­ple are al­most mish­poche to me, I’m not into the idea of slaugh­ter­ing any­thing other than the oc­ca­sional Blondie song.

And then of course I have all the tsores from one of my own band mem­bers. Zayn has tweeted #FreePales­tine. Most peo­ple can do that and no one will pay much at­ten­tion but be­cause he has 13 mil­lion fol­low­ers, every­one, in­clud­ing me, has been made aware of his con­stant kvetch­ing about Is­rael.

Plenty of peo­ple have sug­gested ways of sort­ing this out, most of whom who know bup­kes about what’s go­ing on. I have had some­one in­form me that the best an­swer would be a two-band so­lu­tion, with Zayn go­ing in one di­rec­tion and me go­ing in another. I have had some­one else on the phone say­ing that Sec­re­tary of State Kerry was happy to step in and con­duct peace ne­go­ti­a­tions be­tween Zayn and me, so long as we signed a few T-shirts for his fam­ily mem­bers. Oth­ers in the Free Pales­tine camp have been say­ing that Zayn should re­nounce my right to ex­ist.

Ob­vi­ously I have been platz­ing con­stantly, but as far as I can work out the whole thing is about gor­nisht. I mean, it’s silly sea­son, there’s not much news about (ex­cept for two ma­jor con­flicts and the Com­mon­wealth Games) and every­one is down at the beach fress­ing and shikker­ing and they want some loshen hora in the news­pa­per.

Ab­so­lutely none of this is my fault – from where do they even get the idea that I as­so­ciate with Jews or have any sym­pa­thies in that, er, di­rec­tion?

Any­way, I’ve had a chat with Si­mon Cow­ell (who is a com­plete men­sch, btw) and he says that he has been at­tacked in a sim­i­lar way just be­cause he gave a few shekels to the IDF. Now be­cause the war has bro­ken out they have de­cided to have a go at him – I mean what a pain in the tuches for every­one.

So I’m not go­ing to be the shlemiel in this sit­u­a­tion. I’m keep­ing sh­tum and am go­ing to get away for a cou­ple of weeks un­til all this blows over and we can all get back to tach­lis.

Hmm, it seems there are plenty of cheap pack­age deals to Ei­lat on of­fer — they’ll never look for me there.

I have been

but they know

re­ally

*As imag­ined by Si­mon Round

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