SO, ALL anyone wants to talk about is the Emmys and the assumption that I might have ingested some kind of illicit substance. Oh, and also that my interview on the red carpet may not have been the most coherent of the night.
I would answer any questions happily, but my recollection is a little hazy. I seem to remember an interviewer asking what I had in my purse and her being pretty interested in the liquid THC in my vape stick.
I mean, what is so shocking about taking a little pot to an awards ceremony? This is showbiz after all.
In fact, I would say that I was setting a good example. You don’t have to smoke pot anymore, you can vape it — don’t you just love technology?
Plus, it’s also good for you. I’m sure I read that somewhere, or maybe I didn’t. Who knows? Anyway, being Jewish, I’m a lightweight and I don’t drink any alcohol, so while you are gulping the kiddush wine, I’m vaping pot. It’s more or less the same. (Thank you for that Talmudic pilpul loophole to my sister the rabbi. And no, that’s not a typo.)
Of course there is the short-term memory loss issue, and the fact that the answers I gave to the interviewer didn’t exactly correspond to the questions she was asking. I also seem to remember being asked about my boobs, and replying something along the lines of “they are the lowest they have ever been and the highest they are ever going to be”. So, on to the actual award I won. Er, I think I was the winner. Like, when I woke up this morning there was some kind of trophy here — so I’m assuming that it’s mine. Also, I have a memory of making a speech – I definitely wouldn’t have done that if I had lost.
Oh, yes, of course, it was for my comedy show We Are Miracles. And I am a girl who likes to give credit where it’s Jew, which is why I ran on stage barefoot and gave thanks to “my Jews” at my agents, CAA.
Oh yes, and before you ask, there was nothing chemically-influenced about the line: “We’re all just made of molecules and we’re hurling through space right now.” That is factually correct and the kind of thing Laurence Olivier would definitely have said — had he thought of it.
Anyway, it was a great night, there was a party I believe, though the only thing I can definitely tell you is that I ate several peanutbutter-and-jelly sandwiches after I got home and I remembered to thank the fridge and the deli for making the sandwiches a reality.
There is one aspect of my life that the pot definitely helps with and that is understanding my boyfriend. Michael Sheen comes from a place called Wales and for all I know he might as well be talking in Welsh. It’s all “All right there boyo, prop forwards under the posts, llandudno gogagogh”. Then he starts doing Brian Clough impressions and calling me “Young Man”.
But after a few puffs it all seems to make sense . . . at least temporarily.
Ok, he’s just come into the house. Now where did I put my vape stick? I’m sure it was here somewhere.
We are all made of molecules: aren’t we?
*As imagined by Simon Round