The Jewish Chronicle - - FRONT PAGE -

LAST YEAR, I pub­lished an ar­ti­cle in The Wash­ing­ton Post in which I sug­gested that peo­ple ought to cease com­par­ing Don­ald Trump to Adolf Hitler be­cause to do so, in my opin­ion, be­lit­tled Hitler. At least Hitler, I wrote, had a point of view. Trump, I wrote, is just a con man.

Not sur­pris­ingly, I heard from quite a few an­gry neo-Nazis who told me that I was “noth­ing but a dirty Jew”. I also heard from quite a few an­gry Jews who told me I was “a no­good Nazi.” It was quite the co­nun­drum. Which was it? Was I a Jew or a Nazi?

I’ll be hon­est: I went with “Jew”. I have a prob­lem with au­thor­ity, which is prob­a­bly a deal-breaker if you’re go­ing with the whole fas­cism thing. But my iden­tity trou­bles were far from over, as a num­ber of the Jewish email­ers posed a seem­ingly sim­ple ques­tion which com­pli­cated the mat­ter even fur­ther:

“What kind of a Jew are you,” they asked.


That was a tough one.

What kind of a Jew am I?

The un­spo­ken an­swer to their ques­tion was ob­vi­ously, “Bad.” I am a Bad Jew. They, of course, are Good Jews.

But bad how? Bad spir­i­tu­ally, bad morally, bad-for-the-Jews bad?

At least the Nazis had been slightly more spe­cific.

I was, ac­cord­ing to them, a Dirty Jew. But dirty how? Phys­i­cally dirty, sex­u­ally dirty, spir­i­tu­ally dirty?

It oc­curred to me that some sort of a list would be help­ful. A Jew Type List. Some­thing to help both Nazis and Jews hone their ac­cu­sa­tions a bit more point­edly. Speci­ficity is so im­por­tant in these mat­ters, or we’ll never know who ex­actly we’re feel­ing su­pe­rior to. And so I turned, as I of­ten do, to books. Literature pro­vided me with some Jew types, but not all. Film pro­vided a few more, and TV filled in the blanks.

In the end, I iden­ti­fied 10 types of Jew that ap­pear in cul­ture. The choices are en­tirely per­sonal, mostly male (as am I, mostly) and I’m cer­tain there are oth­ers. I present them here in no par­tic­u­lar or­der, other than be­gin­ning with my most hated Jew Type and end­ing with my most beloved. It is by no means an ex­haus­tive list, but it’s a start, and if noth­ing else, per­haps the “Dirty Jew” Nazis (see Jew Type 5 and Jew Type 8) and “Good Jew” Jews (see Jew Type 6) who raised the orig­i­nal ques­tion will read this, sense that I am mock­ing them, and be­come an­noyed (see Jew Type 10).


Of all the Jew Types, this is the one I hate the most. The dreaded, loath­some Type 1 Jew. The Jesse Eisen­berg. Fast-talk­ing, mod­er­ately in­tel­li­gent, but whose most salient char­ac­ter­is­tic is a com­pletely un­war­ranted ar­ro­gance and an ut­terly base­less su­pe­ri­or­ity.

What makes the Type 1 Jesse Eisen­berg so ir­ri­tat­ing is that the very char­ac­ter­is­tics that make him so hate­ful are the very one he prides him­self upon:

“Yes I’ m Ir­ri­tat­ing And A Bit O fA P rick B ut If I Talk Fast Enough And Run My Words To­gether You Might Just Think I’ m Say­ing Some­thing In­tel­li­gent And think I’ m Bet t er Than You And I’ d Stop Talk­ing Ex­cept T hen You’ d Re­alise I’ m Just A Dick .”

In fic­tion, Type 1s are of­ten pre­sented as book­ish he­roes, as lov­able su­pern­erds whose in­tel­lect saves the day and wins the girl. No, re­ally. They are, I’m se­ri­ous.

As I’m sure the Anti-Defama­tion League will tell you, in­ci­dences of an­tisemitism have gone up in re­cent years, not just in the US but around the world. They blame Is­lamic fun­da­men­tal­ism, but they’re wrong.

It’s The Jesse Eisen­berg.

JE­SUS OF NAZARETH: Be­gan as a Type 6, grew into a fan­tas­tic Type 10, with a bit of Type 3 (the whole cru­ci­fix­ion thing).

BARUCH SPINOZA: A Type 6 that be­came a Type 10 and a bit of a Type 1.

AN­THONY WEINER: A Type 5, with a streak of Type 7 and un­in­ten­tional Type 9. SIGMUND FREUD:

Type 1 com­bined with a Type 5 though he prob­a­bly saw him­self as a Type 4.


A very rare Type 5/Type 3 combo; orig­i­nally try­ing hard to be a Type 6 (bad idea), and wind­ing up a sort of mil­que­toast Type 7. GROUCHO MARX:

Solid Type 10/Type 5. In a per­fect world, he would be the model for a Type 6. Alas.


Just kid­ding, CK isn’t a Jew. He’s just steal­ing our ma­te­rial. Type 7?



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