WHAT IF TRUMP LIVE-TWEETED JARED’S SEDER?

The Jewish Chronicle - - FRONT PAGE -

In­vited to Ivanka and Jared’s for Seder din­ner. I’m all set to go. #hap­py­passover

The failed New York Times says Passover starts to­day. FAKE NEWS #sad

Just called Jared. It seems it ac­tu­ally is Passover to­day. #let'smakepassover­great

Very ex­cited and hon­ored to be lead­ing the Seder ser­vice tonight. It’s go­ing to be a TER­RIFIC evening, the BEST SEDER ever!

Jared says I’m not quite Jewish enough to lead the ser­vice. He'll do a FAN­TAS­TIC job!

Jews cel­e­brate free­dom from slav­ery. We all cel­e­brate free­dom from Obama!

So the Egyp­tians made the Is­raelites build mas­sive pyra­mids. AND the Jews had to pay for them. Smart work, pharoah!

Seems pharoah is bad guy. Hor­ri­ble. Never liked him.

Ser­vice un­der­way. It seems quite com­pli­cated and long. Some­one pour me a large Scotch.

You can’t even have ONE GLASS OF SIN­GLE MALT?!? #sad

Jared serv­ing Bread of Af­flic­tion. It's gonna be de­li­cious.

We're eat­ing some kind of big cracker with no fla­vor! #fake­bread #pass­the­jelly

Big im­mi­grant pop­u­la­tion don’t wanna work hard to make Egypt great again #sad

OK BIG NEWS. Se­ri­ous pres­sure on Egypt to let the peo­ple go.

Pharoah dither­ing. Cut a deal! Los­ing pa­tience with Egypt here

Moses us­ing al­ter­na­tive facts to play with the heads of the Egyp­tians. THERE ARE TEN PLAGUES

Lucky Egyp­tians weren’t on Oba­macare — they’d be sick and poor (if first born, dead and poor) #fail

I’m warm­ing to this idea bigly. WATCH OUT KIM JONG UN #ten­plagues­forKorea #boils #frogs #river­sof­blood

Is­raelites mi­grat­ing. For­tu­nately for them they are not headed for #USA. They still have to get over the Red Sea #ba­didea

OK so the Red Sea has parted. LET’S BUILD THAT WALL FOLKS.

Egyp­tian mil­i­tary to­tal fail #drowned. Big les­son for NATO here

We’re singing a song called Dayenu. It means we’ve had enough. Just like the Amer­i­can peo­ple have had enough of FAKE NEWS

Cor­rec­tion, it means ‘it would have been enough’. So had POTUS just got rid of evil Hil­lary, it would have been enough #dayenu

Had POTUS saved Amer­ica from Mus­lims car­ry­ing bombs, it would have been enough #dayenu

Had POTUS sim­ply built the wall, it would have been enough #dayenu

Gonna have a word with Sean Spicer. #dayenu is go­ing to be our next press con­fer­ence

Ev­ery­one is say­ing “Next Year in Jerusalem”. Let’s get that em­bassy built there.

Next year in Scot­land! Ter­rific coun­try. The Scot­tish peo­ple love me so much #Let’sPlayGolf. #sin­gle­malt

Prayer books have been put away. Four glasses of wine drunk. Now the feast. Happy Passover to all my Jewish friends — even the Democrats

Is Hil­lary Jewish? #al­ter­na­tive­facts

They just brought an egg. And they poured salty wa­ter all over it. Some­one get me a Chi­nese take­out — and let’s make the Chi­nese pay for it

OK there’s a cri­sis de­vel­op­ing. Afi Ko­man has gone miss­ing. Let’s get to­gether and start search­ing for him.

I seem to re­mem­ber that Afi was Is­rael’s Deputy For­eign Min­is­ter. Ter­rific guy. I hope his fam­ily are do­ing well and stay­ing strong

FAKE NEWS! Turns out Afi wasn’t the for­eign min­is­ter, but a piece of matzah they hid. I led the search . Made sure Ivanka found it

Ev­ery­one says we need to let in a guy called Eli­jah in. Has Eli­jah got a #green­card? Is he #mus­lim???

They are putting wine in a glass for this guy. AND THEY ARE LEAV­ING THE DOOR OPEN #verysad

We owe a debt to all of our im­mi­grants but this is not the way we do busi­ness here any­more. No one gets a free pass. LET’S PUT AMER­ICA 1st!

OK, Eli­jah is a dead prophet who comes back for a glass of wine. Who can blame him?

Winding up. Great evening. Songs about goats #strange

Look­ing for­ward to corned beef on rye at Trump Tower #sig­na­ture­dish — hold the el­e­va­tor!

AS IMAG­INED BY SI­MON ROUND

PHOTO: GETTY IM­AGES

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