The Mail on Sunday - You - - News - Our re­la­tion­ships ex­pert Zelda West-Meads an­swers your ques­tions

Your prob­lems an­swered

My mother is al­ways ac­cus­ing me of things that I haven’t done. She re­cently said that I had stolen her bank card, which, of course, I hadn’t. She stomped round say­ing that she couldn’t go to work un­til she found it and that I took it be­cause I hate her. She also ac­cused me of steal­ing a bracelet and she has now had a lock fit­ted to her bed­room door. My brother al­ways sup­ports my mother. He kept go­ing through my bag look­ing for the card and say­ing that he would call the po­lice, which he did. They be­lieved me and I told them I did not want to take the mat­ter fur­ther. I am in my 30s and this sort of thing has been go­ing on for years. The only time I have any peace is when I go away. I have tried talk­ing to my dad, but my mother al­ways in­ter­feres. When I called her Cruella, be­cause of her nasty be­hav­iour to­wards me, my dad told me off. She al­ways turns on the tears and makes out that it’s my fault. What should I do? For par­ents, chil­dren are the most im­por­tant thing in the world and it’s so sad when that re­la­tion­ship goes wrong. It sounds as though your mother is ma­nip­u­la­tive and a bully. Sadly, your brother takes her side and your fa­ther is not tough enough to stand up to her. That’s prob­a­bly be­cause when she takes things out on you, it stops her from get­ting at them, so they have an eas­ier life. This dif­fi­cult re­la­tion­ship with your mother prob­a­bly goes back a long way and she is not pre­pared to lis­ten to you. Tell her how up­set you are at be­ing ac­cused of things you have not done, and tell her how the fact that she does not trust you makes you feel unloved. You could ask her to try joint coun­selling, but I am not op­ti­mistic. It may be that she is nar­cis­sis­tic, thinks only of her own feel­ings and ra­tio­nalises her be­hav­iour by al­ways blam­ing you. It may be bet­ter to put some dis­tance be­tween you both. I think that you need to find some­where else to live and only see her oc­ca­sion­ally.

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