WHY WON’T HE COM­MIT?

The Mail on Sunday - You - - Crossword | Horoscope -

I have been dat­ing a man for eight months. He says that he is not ready to make a se­ri­ous com­mit­ment yet, but our long-term goals are our ca­reers, liv­ing abroad, mar­riage and chil­dren. I am 26 and in my sec­ond year of a de­gree; he is 29 and in a high-pow­ered job in the cap­i­tal. Our plan is for me to move in with him when I grad­u­ate. We only see each other about ev­ery six weeks – even though he knows that I am free ev­ery weekend and could eas­ily hop on a train, whereas he is busy see­ing friends or go­ing ski­ing. It’s al­ways on his terms. Some­times I worry that he is dat­ing be­hind my back, but he says that he wants only me. He tells me that he loves me and that I am the best thing that has ever hap­pened to him. He is sup­port­ive in all as­pects of my life. He was scarred by his par­ents’ di­vorce and is very closed off from me emo­tion­ally. When we are to­gether, I feel so loved, but when we are apart, I feel that I am the last thing on his mind. Should I give him more time or just walk away? He is giv­ing you mixed mes­sages, which may in­di­cate un­der­ly­ing per­sonal prob­lems. Do you think that you can def­i­nitely rule out the pos­si­bil­ity of another girl­friend? If he says that he loves you so much and is see­ing friends at week­ends, surely he would want to in­clude you and in­tro­duce you to them? I would be wary of some­one who keeps you so dis­tant. A man who fears com­mit­ment can make you feel won­der­fully loved and de­sired at the be­gin­ning of a re­la­tion­ship, but when he feels that you are fall­ing in love, he pan­ics. He ei­ther de­cides to end the re­la­tion­ship or keeps his dis­tance, which leaves you feel­ing un­der­stand­ably hurt and con­fused. He may still be deeply af­fected by his par­ents split­ting up and fear get­ting hurt if he makes a com­mit­ment and things go wrong. Part of him longs to be with you and the other part pulls away. This makes you doubt that he means what he says. Talk to him about all of this and say that you would like to see him more of­ten. I rec­om­mend joint coun­selling with BACP (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300) to work on your re­la­tion­ship and the fact that he is emo­tion­ally closed off, be­cause that could prove to be a big prob­lem if you want a fu­ture to­gether.

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