He’s adamant he doesn’t want kids

I split up with my boyfriend more than a year ago as he was absolutely adamant that he didn’t want children. He is 48 and said that he is too old, had missed the boat and wouldn’t want to be a dad to a teenager when he’s in his 60s. Also, as he’s self-employed, he says it isn’t a very secure job and that it would be a huge responsibility trying to support a child as well as himself. It was an agonising decision as we had been together for three years and I really loved him – he is funny, warm, kind and clever – but I desperately want children. I’m 36 so I still have time. However, I haven’t met anyone else and I really miss him. During lockdown I was living alone and was so lonely I got back in touch with him. He lives alone, too. He’s been really kind and I’ve been talking to him most days as he’s been helping me with my anxiety and we make each other laugh. There hasn’t been any suggestion of romance – I think we’ve both been avoiding the issue – but I have found that none of my feelings for him have gone away. I still love him so much. I keep wondering if I should suggest that we get back together. It would mean I could never have children as I don’t think there’s a chance I could change his mind, but perhaps it wouldn’t matter if I could be with him as I may never meet anyone else anyway. I also worry about what kind of world it is to bring children into at the moment.

QMany people, before they have children, wonder whether the world is a safe or good enough place to bring them into. However, that primal urge is so strong that even though the world seems so frightening now, when this global threat lessens, you will probably still feel a strong desire to be a mother. Perhaps you are trying to rationalise yourself into not wanting children because you are lonely and still in love with your ex. He is undoubtedly kind. However, if you did get back together, although you might be very happy at first, in time you could start to resent him for denying you the chance to have children. Like you, I think he is unlikely to change his mind as he didn’t before. Of course, holding out for a new relationship is a risk, you might not meet someone else to have children with and at the moment dating is so fraught with complications. Sadly there are also no guarantees that you could get pregnant. But if you didn’t try, you could end up despairing that you missed your opportunity. If you continue to have such a close friendship with your ex, it could also make it harder for you to meet someone new. This is a very difficult decision to wrestle with and not one that I, or anyone else, can make for you so I would strongly suggest having some counselling to talk it all through. Try Relate (relate.org.uk) or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk).

aI love him so much but I desperately want children