QUOTES of the week

‘It is the best day care centre for the elderly in London… Nice meals subsidised by the taxpayer, and they can snooze in the afternoon.’ Lib Dem peer Lord Tyler’s description of the Upper House in a BBC documentary.

‘If David Bowie could be here tonight, he probably wouldn’t be here tonight.’ Michael C. Hall, star of Bowie musical Lazarus, reckons the singer would have been too cool to accept his posthumous Brit Awards.

‘You’d better be calling me to tell me we’ve won the Lottery after waking me up at this time.’ Paula Barraclough’s comment after friend Lorraine Smith rang her at 7.15am – to tell her she had indeed scooped a half-share of the £15million jackpot.

‘Start with the crickets and beer, then move up to tarantula.’ Angelina Jolie as she munches an array of bugs during a trip to Cambodia.

‘Sweden? Terror attack? What has he been smoking?’ Former Swedish PM Carl Bildt after Donald Trump falsely claimed the country had been targeted.

‘I think I’m the older woman’s crumpet.’ Nigel Farage reveals he has an army of female fans.

‘The pie didn’t cost me anything – apart from my job.’ Sutton United substitute goalkeeper Wayne Shaw, who was sacked after his pie-eating exploits during an FA Cup tie against Arsenal sparked a betting probe.

‘I’d ban them from going on about how important marriage is and how damaging divorce is.’ Labour’s Harriet Harman angers traditionalists with her call for politicians to stop criticising family breakdown.

‘He’ll wear something until it’s so old and then I’m like, “Babe, the jeans – they’ve got to go.”’ Samantha Cameron reveals husband David is not a dedicated follower of fashion.