Like Hugh Grant, this clunky show’s past its prime

IT’S a sacred cow. Untouchable. But hours before Comic Relief aired on Friday evening, one brave soul described it thus: ‘A biennial guilt trip that is tired, and patronising to Africans. This year, things must be different.’

Some right-wing troll? No, that was David Lammy, the Labour MP for Tottenham. But I’ve long been of the same mind.

So, was Friday night’s outing any different? Did it get across the complexity of poverty or were Africans, yet again, portrayed as helpless victims while loutish celebrities indulged in an orgy of virtue-signalling?

Red Nose Day has, for 32 years, been irreverent and shocking, but for a while it made us laugh hard enough that we’d dig into our pockets.

Sorry to say, this year’s offering was merely embarrassing.

First up, a La La Land spoof, with Lenny Henry, Miranda Hart and Ed Balls. So far, so-so. Jonathan Ross was host; my God, we missed Terry ‘telethon’ Wogan’s quiet humility. On came all those smug, male panel-show guests. Ten minutes in, a starving black baby. ‘Your money saves lives,’ said another rich male stand-up. Perhaps. But I wonder what mothers in Somalia would make of Take That and James Corden in a car, doing out-of-tune karaoke.

The pleas to give money to child carers and old people in the UK obscured the fact that our taxes should support them – taxes some comedians and musicians try their very best to avoid, or minimise. ‘I ain’t bovvered,’ said Catherine Tate. Viewers could be forgiven for feeling likewise.

I hated the constant plugs for phone companies and corporate sponsors. But then they must have their pound of publicity, along with the saintly celebs who, by happy coincidence, often have plays and films to plug.

Graham Norton’s outsize sofa experiment was particularly cringe-worthy.

High points? Seeing the cast of Love Actually back together was like looking at London house prices: haven’t they all done well? But at least the film was nicely done. Poignant in parts, too.

Far more moving, though, was the child on a rubbish tip in Nairobi saying simply, ‘this shouldn’t be my life? Or Peaches, the little slum girl who sang to Ed Sheeran (fancy that, he’s got a new album out). She stopped, and water ran down her face. She’d lost her dad to Ebola. I reached for my phone. You can’t watch stories like this and not want to help. Let’s tune out the stars, and listen to these little ones.

For like Hugh Grant in Love Actually, Red Nose Night seemed past its prime. In a world of online activism, its format seemed clunky and old-fashioned.

Have the millions Comic Relief has raised made a difference? Of course. But it has also reinforced the notion that charity is the answer, when really it’s political will, jobs, trade and peace. Not self-serving celebs who will scurry back to their mansions, and lock the door.