NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

IN A new weekly feature, The Mail on Sunday takes an irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

PRINCESS Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank embark on their honeymoon; the first of just 17 holidays they are planning this month.

TUESDAY

FOLLOWING Kanye West’s visit to the White House to give policy ideas to President Trump, Prime Minister Theresa May invites the cream of the British music industry to No 10, getting input on Universal Credit from The Wurzels and that opera singer from the Go Compare ads.

WEDNESDAY

AS struggling W H Smith starts disposing of some high-street sites, company chiefs improve their offer to possible buyers of its leases. For an extra £1 they can get a giant Galaxy bar thrown in. Meanwhile, police reveal that their probe into financial irregularities at Patisserie Valerie was prompted when they found something wrong with its turnover.

THURSDAY

POET Laureate Carol Ann Duffy reveals why she took such a staunch anti-Brexit stand in her latest verses. ‘It’s my firm belief leaving will damage the country,’ she says. ‘Plus have you ever tried to find a rhyme for “Brexit”?’

F RI DAY

THE judge who made the ruling in the controversial ‘gay cake’ case is made Master of the Rolls... and Lord of the Loaves, Protector of the Pasties, Commander of the Croissants and Earl of the Eclairs.

SATURDAY

THE researchers who found that millennials are consuming less alcohol than older age groups release more findings, which explain that it’s because the youngsters spend more time taking pictures of their drinks than they do downing them.