RETRO Roamer
More musings from Roamer LETTER from Fran Hawkins, a travel agent from Indiana, who was one of the 18 visitors put up for the night in Fort William Tourist Office last weekend: ‘Dear tourist officer, Your staff members, Moira and Colin, are two outstanding people of whom you should be very proud. They worked till 11pm that night, trying to find us hotel or B&B accommodation. Everywhere in and around town was full up. So they spent the night in the office with us all so we could stay on the premises and not be put out on the sidewalk. Moira and Colin did everything possible for us and I speak for everyone in sending them, and you, a huge thank you.’
MUM AND teenage daughter park their car at the back of Presto’s. En route to the Post Office the lassie shrieks: ‘Mum, you’ve still got your slippers on!’ Mum is most embarrassed and makes a beeline for the car. They went to the Post Office in Caol, after a change of footwear at home.
THEN there was Harry who, these days, is into jogging. Last Sunday he ran up and down the Cow Hill. ‘I deserve a pint for that,’ Harry mused. So, back down in the High Street, he jumped into this car. ‘Take me to the BA Club, please,’ instructed our hero. No answer. So Harry repeated the request. To this, a somewhat bemused, albeit not amused gent responded, ‘Sorry, mate, I’m not a taxi. I’m waiting for the wife to come out of the paper shop.’ So a not very happy Harry the jogger, with red face and sore feet, made his own way out the road as far as the Railway Club. At least he wasn’t wearing slippers.
DID YOU hear about the ‘phantom bandit’ in the Masonic Club? It appears Cameron the steward was sitting alone, reading his paper, when, suddenly, there was a loud clatter of coins and the fruit machine began paying out. But no- one was playing it. On investigation, Cameron noted a pile of money taking up a lot of floor. No sooner had he started reading again when ‘bang’ another payout. Again, no one about. It couldn’t go on, however, and the bandit has now been ‘cured’.
A SYNDICATE of Lochaber High School teachers had a shot up in the pools. A total of 16 of them shared the win and they were all convinced their lifestyles would change. How much did they get? Well, with all the current activity with the darts championships on the telly, the winnings can best be described as 180. Pence! Not each, either, but in total. So they’ll each receive 11 pence. They’re running a sweepstake for the other four pence.
LET US not forget the unhappy punters during the recent power cut. At 13.44 on Monday there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth as the electronics were down. Ladbroke’s couldn’t take bets; they couldn’t pay out. No betting shows, no results. Worse still, perhaps, the counter staff couldn’t even microwave their piece/s.
A COUPLE of our Lochaber football experts/exports were in the news over the weekend. First it was Duncan Shearer who won the Littlewood’s Strikers Award Scheme’s £ 500 prize. Duncan had notched a hat trick for Huddersfield Town in a Littlewood’s Cup match. He donated all the money to Caol primary – of which he is a former pupil – for the school to buy new strips. Next it was Donald Park, now of Meadowbank, who was featured. Donald had been red- carded near the end of a needle match and the photo caption read ‘Park benched’.
IT WAS great fun to see our lance corporals of industry and local government all rigged out in their Marine Harvest gear on Friday. Their Ena Sharples hairnets were topped by Elvis Presley GI type headgear, and the visitors were ‘dressed overall’ in white button-up coats. The feet got the treatment, too. So you had the edifying sight of around 100 local ladies and gents padding about the floor of the new plant on the Blar in their Wee Willie Winkie style white galoshes. The local press succeeded in looking quite dignified in their outfits, of course. But the main man representing the company steered a middle course. He elected to be hat-less and galoshes-less. Try saying that last bit after a couple of free Marine Harvest drams.
OVERPROVISION of licensed premises in Fort William High Street? Seventeen outlets are already situated there. But, as was stated at the Licensing Board meeting: ‘There are fewer pubs in the High Street nowadays than there were 60 years ago – and it was only a wee place then.’
Certainly every statistical account from day one referred to the Fort as having ‘ale houses and dram houses without number – some operating with a licence, most without’. So now the town is to have 18 bars. Will there be objections when an application is lodged for ‘one over the 18’?
LOCHABER lassie competing in the ladies’ tug of war at the Ben Race. Put her contact lenses in their wee box before taking the strain. After the contest she realised she’d lost the wee box. So she made her way over to the secretary’s tent to report her difficulty. ‘Give us a call later and we’ll see if anyone has sighted them,’ she was advised. She duly does so. Comes the reply. ‘Sorry, the only thing that’s been handed in is a hearing aid.’
Local lady persists: ‘Is it in a wee box?’ Answer in the affirmative. ‘Is the box marked with the word ‘lens’? Yes, again. ‘Well,’ says she, ‘That hearing aid’s my contact lenses.’ And it was. Or, they were.