I’m not saying that footballers are cissies, but...
Real Madrid footballer Marco Asensio has provoked widespread mirth for allegedly dropping out of a match after shaving his legs, “sustaining a pimple” that made it difficult for him to pull up his socks. Is that light breeze smelling faintly of Old Spice the ghosts of footballers past spinning in their graves?
Let’s give Asensio the benefit of the doubt – perhaps he’s just a little naive about how painful grooming techniques can get. As many women (and some men) know, a nick or bump while shaving your legs is nothing. Asensio needs to be forcibly dragged to a salon and given a thorough waxing. Legs, chest, armpits, “intimate areas” – all of it with either the warm honey wax (imagine being dipped in golden syrup and then set upon by a follicleripping psychopath) or the cheaper cold wax strips, which leave you begging for a more pleasant procedure, such as waterboarding.
All of which would make any sportsman go faster, especially when the tweezers come out for the “stray hairs” and he sprints, screaming, out of the salon. Next week, we’ll be discussing upper-lip electrolysis: how much would a Premier League footballer pay to avoid it?