I’m not say­ing that foot­ballers are cissies, but...

The Observer - - NEWS -

Real Madrid foot­baller Marco Asen­sio has pro­voked wide­spread mirth for al­legedly drop­ping out of a match af­ter shav­ing his legs, “sus­tain­ing a pim­ple” that made it dif­fi­cult for him to pull up his socks. Is that light breeze smelling faintly of Old Spice the ghosts of foot­ballers past spin­ning in their graves?

Let’s give Asen­sio the ben­e­fit of the doubt – per­haps he’s just a lit­tle naive about how painful groom­ing tech­niques can get. As many women (and some men) know, a nick or bump while shav­ing your legs is noth­ing. Asen­sio needs to be forcibly dragged to a sa­lon and given a thor­ough wax­ing. Legs, chest, armpits, “in­ti­mate ar­eas” – all of it with ei­ther the warm honey wax (imag­ine be­ing dipped in golden syrup and then set upon by a fol­li­clerip­ping psy­chopath) or the cheaper cold wax strips, which leave you beg­ging for a more pleas­ant pro­ce­dure, such as wa­ter­board­ing.

All of which would make any sports­man go faster, es­pe­cially when the tweez­ers come out for the “stray hairs” and he sprints, scream­ing, out of the sa­lon. Next week, we’ll be dis­cussing up­per-lip elec­trol­y­sis: how much would a Premier League foot­baller pay to avoid it?

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