PLUS: All the latest as England prepares for action:
Don’t worry, we’re not on our way to Amarillo. We are rejoicing the wonderful first goal of the 2010 World Cup scored by a South Africa player named uncannily like Tony Christie’s classic chorus.
Siphiwe Tshabalala is a ponytailed, left-footed midfield dynamo for Bafana Bafana (which Google Translate tells me equals The Boys). Think Edgar Davids minus the goggles.
And he sent his country Bananas Bananas when striking a stunning opening blow as the curtain came up at Soccer City, a place which sounds strangely like some kind of discount shop.
It is in fact the stunning Jo’burg arena that will also play host to the final of this competition in little over a month when Spain will triumph, I will become rich and then start a new life somewhere beside the Med.
“What a moment in the history of sport,” claimed ITV commentator Peter Drury, presumably referring to Mr. BlahBlahtatata’s goal rather my future plans.
At least that’s what I think he said because he was in danger of being drowned out by the deafening din made by vuvuzelas – over-sized air horns that are the preferred method of noisemaking for African supporters.
Credit where its due though, it sounded almost as good as it does at the Showground when Kenneth Bjerre wins a race for Panthers.
Goodness only knows what superlatives Drury would have come out with had Katlego Mphela managed to hit one of the gaping areas of net rather than the base of a post late on to turn a 1-1 draw into a 2-1 win for South Africa.
That would have been the fairytale result, but most of us will just be happy the World Cup is finally here. We had been made to wait 1,433 days since Italy lifted the trophy on the fateful night of the ‘Berlin butt’ when Fletton was alive with the sound of tooting car horns.
I could have done without sitting through a 40-minute opening ceremony before the footie got going though especially as it didn’t include Shakira (as I had been promised by a rogue TV guide) but did feature lots of dancing, musicians from all over the African continent and a giant beetle dribbling a football.
It was uplifting and vibrant, and on Britain’s Got Talent it might just have squeezed through to the next round. You never know, the same might apply to South Africa’s players.
But amid the glorious colour and crescendo of noise was Adrian Chiles – the new frontman of ITV football.
Chiles possesses such a depressing Midlands twang that delivering the upcoming Budget would have been a far more suitable task than taking us through the Greatest Show on Earth.
He would no doubt still sound grumpy if he’d won the lottery. Oh, hold on a minute, he just did when moving from BBC to ITV on a £6 million deal.
That must surely make him the most overpaid performer in South Africa - and that’s quite some honour!