This was the pits! Com­plete and ut­ter shambles

The Peterborough Evening Telegraph - - Classifieds -

ZZ Top can sleep easy. I doubt if those back­ing the beard will even make it past the stub­ble stage.

Some Eng­land play­ers have also joined fans in the shav­ing amnesty for as long as they re­main in the World Cup.

Wayne Rooney now has more fluff on his chin than hair on his head. I’m sur­prised he hasn’t torn all of it out play­ing with this bunch of plod­ders.

Un­for­tu­nately it ap­pears the ra­zor is not the only thing they have ditched. Skill, pass­ing and shoot­ing have also fallen by the way­side if the lat­est pa­thetic Eng­land per­for­mance is any­thing to go by.

This was the pits. A com­plete shambles. An ab­so­lute shocker. Garbage.

Eng­land were clearly stung by crit­i­cism of their ‘kick and rush’ foot­ball from Franz Beck­en­bauer. They re­sponded by elim­i­nat­ing the ‘rush’ el­e­ment and re­plac­ing it with life­less, aim­less, one-di­men­sional and turgid (and I don’t just mean Emile Heskey).

It took half-an-hour for them to man­age a note­wor­thy ef­fort, 35 min­utes for Aaron Len­non to suc­cess­fully trap the ball and 40 min­utes for Frank Lam­pard to be spot­ted mov­ing at a speed greater than walk­ing pace. Even then Lam­pard man­aged to fail to score from 12 yards.

When ITV an­chor­man Adrian Chiles says it’s been aw­ful, you know you’re in trou­ble.

He’s been hold­ing foot­balling dis­cus­sions with Edgar Davids and Kevin Kee­gan for the past week, so is well-placed to judge dire out­put.

But the sec­ond half was even worse. No fire in their bel­lies, no spark from their gifted feet and no so­lu­tion from the bench.

Steven Ger­rard turned a glo­ri­ous (and rare) shoot­ing chance into a ter­ri­ble cut­back. Oth­er­wise it was only pot-shots to trou­ble Al­ge­ria keeper Rais M’Bolhi.

Adi Raïs Co­bos Adrien M’Bolhi Ouhab (to give him his full name) started the tour­na­ment as his nation’s third­choice goal­keeper and failed to make the grade with Heart of Mid­loth­ian. He col­lected his first cross in the man­ner of a ner­vous ma­niac but then re­ceived a test about as dif­fi­cult as your av­er­age GCSE.

An­other keeper, Rob Green, paid the price for his aw­ful dis­play with his place as David James was back be­tween the sticks for Eng­land.

If Fabio Capello em­ploys the same train of thought over the next few days, there will be whole­sale changes on Wed­nes­day against Slove­nia.

If he doesn’t work a mir­a­cle and get his so-called su­per­stars to shine, his squad will be back in Blighty this time next week.

The foot­ball ro­man­tics will quite rightly point out that Italy went all the way to glory in 1982 de­spite fail­ing to win a group game.

The foot­ball re­al­ists will quite rightly point out that Eng­land have no chance of do­ing the same.

YOU clearly can’t have your cake and eat it where this World Cup is concerned.

While some of the great­est play­ers on the planet pro­duced some ab­ject en­ter­tain­ment in the early days of the com­pe­ti­tion, at least ref­er­ees were get­ting most things right.

But just as busi­ness has picked up with goals ga­lore, of­fi­ci­at­ing stan­dards have dropped quicker than a strip­per’s stock­ings.

Step for­ward Senor Al­berto Un­di­ano Mal­lenco - a Spa­niard who is held in se­ri­ously high re­gard, prob­a­bly by the Billy Smart cir­cus.

Mal­lenco dished out nine cau­tions (two of them equalling one harsh red for striker Miroslav Klose) and made count­less other crazy de­ci­sions as Ger­many came back down to earth with a thud yes­ter­day.

Their 10-men suc­cumbed to a 1-0 de­feat at the hands of Ser­bia in Group D with the sole goal ar­riv­ing a minute af­ter Klose walked.

Mal­lenco’s stinker makes him wor­thy of a reg­u­lar slot in the Cham­pi­onship based on what Posh en­dured last sea­son.

But it wouldn’t have been quite so sig­nif­i­cant if Lukas Podol­ski pos­sessed the abil­ity to hit a barn door. He missed one penalty and two sit­ters with the sort of per­for­mance that will soon seal a switch to ETFC.

And the man that fol­lowed Mal­lenco wasn’t much bet­ter. Ko­man Coulibaly spent more time whistling than a jolly farmer as his bungling did Eng­land a big favour.

The Malian in the mid­dle was a tick­ing time-bomb in terms of mak­ing a truly shock­ing de­ci­sion dur­ing the 2-2 draw be­tween Slove­nia and the United States in Group C.

He fi­nally erupted five min­utes from time when dis­al­low­ing a Mau­rice Edu strike that would have handed the States vic­tory - even though the only vis­i­ble in­fringe­ments were be­ing car­ried out by Slove­nian de­fend­ers.

The old say­ing that a good ref­eree goes un­no­ticed still rings true. You couldn’t miss this pair.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from UK

© PressReader. All rights reserved.