To snub well, be a royal or notice a soggy bottom

How carefree the lovely Mary Berry seemed on GBBO last week as one of the contestants had chosen one of our own black puddings as the savoury filling for one of her pastries. Later, in the judging, Mary’s eyes half-closed in that sultry way that only the more mature and cultured woman can pull off as those serene lips slowly enveloped the heavenly morsel. I felt the ripples in her throat as that uniquely spicy treat made her tastebuds explode in a way that mere dynamite could not.

The pastry won the day for contestant Candice. Of course, it did. Was there ever any doubt? Even Mary Berry and Paul ‘Big Bucks’ Hollywood could not resist the magnificent, moist meatiness that is turned out day in, day out by the bad-boy butchers of Macleod and Macleod, the chop shop on the hill in downtown Stornoway.

That was on Wednesday night. The following morning, the world had gone mad. GBBO was moving to one of the allegedly less-classy TV channels that regularly shows people without clothes on and the world was falling apart. No one in their right minds would press a button on their remote control and switch from BBC1. Presenters Mel and Sue declared they had snubbed the lure of filthy lucre and were going nowhere.

Then the sainted Stornoway black pudding scoffer Mary Berry also snubbed the new GBBO makers. No amount of money would make her leave the Beeb which, she said, had been loyal to her. And the other lot offered her barrowloads but she is not budging. Dear Sweet Mary of the Soggy Bottoms. We do so love you.

Another well-known person here on Lewis was snubbed temporarily after it was thought he had fallen from grace the other evening. The rumour mill started when a police car pulled up outside his home and he was released from the back of it. This was no ordinary felon that emerged.

This was a local cleric. He was carrying bags. He must have been detained overnight with his toothbrush. The curtain twitchers in the area were agog.

Why had Police Scotland’s finest transported him to his residence? I can reveal that the cleric concerned was not detained, incarcerated or even cautioned. He had come off the Ullapool ferry with a cloudburst in progress. There were no taxis and he faced the prospect of a long hike. By the time he had got home he would have had a soggy bottom and much else. A teensie wee prayer was undoubtedly offered.

The rain glanced off the pierside as he prepared himself for the wettest walk when, out of the torrents, appeared two dark, hooded figures.

They scooped him up and using their capes to shield him from the cascade, placed him in the back of their patrol car. What the curtain twitchers saw was merely the end of the officers’ gallant act. We salute them. Having set the record straight, we hope we have done the necessary to ensure the cleric will now be welcomed back into the warm embrace of his people.

When it comes to embracing people, wee Prince George of Cambridge is difficult.

In the spring, he wanted to meet Barack Obama when he was over in the UK but the president and the first lady could not be at Kensington Palace until late. George wanted to get into his jimjams and if the supreme leader of the Western world did not like that, he could just lump it.

So the diminutive prince met him in his nightclothes as if he was just any ordinary person who wasn’t organised enough to call when all self-respecting toddlers were up and about. With Prince Philip as his great granpappy, he is his great grandfather’s grandson right enough.

Then, the other day, Justin Trudeau, the Canadian prime minister, welcomed the Cambridges to his country by meeting them at the airport. Undoubtedly knowing he was as difficult to deal with as a constable for the Crofting Commission, the PM went out of his way to make a wee fuss of the wee monster.

Kneeling in front of him after George came down the plane steps, Trudeau held up his hand for a high five. George’s stayed firmly by his side. What a beauty.

Calm, polite, understated rudeness.

We can’t get away with it, but royals can. When Prince Philip was there in 1976, he too did not feel the need to keep his own feelings to himself. Asked why the royal had chosen to visit, he replied: “We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves.”

Kneeling in front of him after George came down the plane steps, Trudeau held up his hand for a high five. George’s stayed firmly by his side. What a beauty