Trump this for a nightmare

Officials are abuzz at the prospect of a brief UK visit by US president Donald Trump – including a probable unscheduled stop-off at his Menie golf resort – on his way to the Bastille Day celebrations in France next Friday on 14 July.

About the last thing both sides want are massive anti-trump demonstrations. But such is the scale of security such a visit would involve, it would be akin to King Kong dropping in for a low-profile chat.

What to do? Fly Air Force One to the deserted runway at Prestwick. Lift him by unmarked helicopter to the Menie Estate golf course. Arrange a meeting with Prime Minister Theresa May in a wind-swept low bunker facing out to sea and particularly to those wind turbines. Mr Trump would not stay long.

On no account invite Scotland’s former first minister Alex Salmond for fear of a bunker explosion. Park the presidential entourage and the press in the clubhouse, and ply them with malt whisky till all are reduced to a state of comatose memory loss. Then fly the US president direct to Paris. On no account should anyone mention 14 July, revolution or a swishing guillotine.