The 1002nd Book to Read Before You Die
Welcome to our regular feature showcasing the talents of the nation’s best writers.
So in the summer of 2016, I submitted to the Highland Council an application for their First Novel Scheme, the first prize a £10,000 award to allow the winning writer to work on their novel set in the Highlands. The novel I intended to write was A Tree Grows in
Orkney, a moving tale of recovery from alcohol addiction, finding new love after bitter divorce, and converting to Catholicism after a life of misanthropic atheism, featuring a character named Dan to whom these things happen. He opens an organic coffee shop in Kirkwall and marries a local pharmacist and embraces the forces of optimism. I never expected this trough of obvious feel-good swill to make it past the first selection process but I had the bland, avuncular hand of the bureaucrat helping me to the loot.
The selection panel consisted of two councillors (the first an avid reader of David Nicholls and Jojo Moyes, the second an avid reader of TV listings), one local poet with two published chapbooks (Rain, After the Rain, Groundswell Press, 2009 and Boat Atop the
Boat, Two Raptors 2011) and two marketing people from the publisher (Acacia Tree Press) trained in targeting their middle-aged female readership with a master archer’s pinpoint accuracy. I had written the pitch as a hoax (I had already published a novel earlier that year, the wartime satire Fat Battlements), and hadn’t expected to receive a formal email congratulating me on the preliminary acceptance of my proposal from the ten thousand submitted for serious consideration of awarding me the prize money, based on a follow-up interview. I was “encouragingly invited” to meet the panellists the following week for an interrogation as to whether I was a worthy enough person to receive the award.
First I had to cover my tracks. I had submitted the application from Edinburgh, having written the address of an uncle in Inverness to prove I live in the Highlands. I took the five-hour morning bus to Inverness to meet the panel, with the intention of boarding the five-hour evening bus back upon being refused the cash.
About the author
MJ Nicholls is the Glasgow-based author of The House of Writers: A Novel, published in 2016, and The Quiddity of Delusion: A Novella, published in 2017. The 1002nd Book to Read Before You Die (Sagging Meniscus Press, £12.99) will be launched at Waterstones Argyle Street in Glasgow on 27 June, at an event chaired by Kevin Macneil, and at Blackwell’s in Edinburgh on 28 June, at an event chaired by Alistair Braidwood. Tickets are available from the venues.