My festival

Ionlyhavetimetoseeone show in Edinburgh. Why should I go to yours? Because you want to see if all those reviewers who’ve given us four and five stars know what they’re taking about, right? But seriously, come and see me ASAP because redheads are going extinct, and soon we’ll all be kept in a zoo, and that will cost you at least £20 – so you’ll be saving money by coming now.

Now I think of it, I’ve got time to see two. What else should I definitely go to? Everything Not Saved by Malaprop thrilled me. What are the best and worst things that have happened to you at the Edinburgh Festival? I locked myself out of the apartment two hours before my first preview and had a spectacular fit of screaming and kicking the door, which was not cute. I’d say the best thing to happen here was realising that my local Co-op stocks the Powerpuff Girls Kinder eggs.

Please describe where you’re living this month. I’m living in a perfect palace with panoramic views of the hills and mountains. It’s a dream apartment, and to ice my residential cake I’m living with the team from My Kind of Michael who are divine company, even if they do sing Shakira 24/7.

What’s your favourite place in the city and why? Inside the warm and loving glow of my audience’s embrace.

Who do you most like spending time with at the festival? My full-time squeeze who has been back and forth between London and Edinburgh all month like the sexy angel he is. Where can I find you at a 9am, 9pm and 2am? At 9am I’ll be in yoga, at 9pm I’ll be having dinner with my agent, and at 2am I’ll be playing strip poker with Willy Hudson and Claire Sweeney.

Tell us something about you that would surprise people. I’m an excellent baker.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? I usually scream, “Why me?” Then I vape for a while until I calm down. What’s the last thing you do before you go to bed at night? I say my rosary of course.

Thanks for the interview! I’d like to buy you a drink. Where are we going and what are we drinking? The Herbivore Cafe. I’d like a peanut butter brownie oat milkshake please. And yes, that is a real drink.