All I want for Christ­mas…

Neil Lyn­don draws up a Christ­mas list of what he is – and is not – af­ter this year

The Sunday Telegraph - Sunday - - Motoring -

Un­for­tu­nately, Christ­mas presents are al­ways a mixed bag. Here’s my list of the most un­wel­come motoring gifts (likely to be found on eBay by noon on Box­ing Day) fol­lowed by the presents I am (not so) silently pray­ing for.

TOP 10 MOST UN­WEL­COME PRESENTS

1Grow2Any3“ 4 The5TheSet (Was £69.99 now £34.99 from www.Hal­fords.com) – In “lux­ury-feel, leather-look ma­te­rial”.

8TopYour Own Sports Car (was £1.99, now £1.49 on Find Me a Gift.co.uk) – “Sim­ply pop the car into a pot of wa­ter and watch it grow! Com­plete with tinted win­dows, this beauty is all about style, class and ex­pand­ing foam. Won’t scratch or dent.’’ road at­las – Are you ad­dicted to spousal dishar­mony? For £120 you can get a fully func­tion­ing plug-in sat­nav sys­tem. I am the Stig” T-shirt (£13.95) – anag: “I am the Gits”. Top Gear Col­lec­tion: Box Set of DVDs (RRP £29.99 re­duced to £7.68 on Ama­zon) – Or in­deed any­thing from that trio who turn cars and the male sex into ob­jects of bore­dom and ridicule. Pro­fes­sional 150piece Socket Set with Ratchet and Com­bi­na­tion Span­ners (was £199.99 now £99.99 from www.Hal­fords. com) – Even al­low­ing for the “fully pol­ished vana­dium steel for su­pe­rior per­for­mance” with which they are ap­par­ently made. Look Seat Cover

6Leather-7Delux­eString Back Driv­ing Gloves (£35.99 from Gr­ey­car. com) – “Tan kid leather palm with Ecru cot­ton cro­chet back” so retro-naff as to be al­most ir­re­sistible… al­most. Gear Desk­top Car Foot­ball (£29.99 on www. mensgift­shop.com) – “Race your mini re­mote con­trol car around and try to cap­ture the ball, then steer it into your op­po­nent’s goal without him steal­ing it.” May be too sim­ple for any­body over five. Mans: Steve McQueen DVD (£24.95 on www.caagis. com) – The ex­haust tailpipes make more en­gag­ing noises than the script.

9Le1A10WheelBright­ener Mix­ing Bot­tle (£2.15 from www. Jere­myClark­son.com) – Boasts of him­self as the ar­biter of cool but has a web­site sell­ing car-care prod­ucts like sponges and wax ap­pli­ca­tor mitts.

TOP 10 GIFTS FOR ACLAS­SIC CHRIST­MAS

clas­sic car – Bent­ley Con­ti­nen­tal GT Su­per­sports: £160,000+ two-

2A3A 4Aseater, 200+ mph mus­cle car, ca­pa­ble of run­ning on ethanol. Posh has al­ready shown the way by giv­ing one to Becks – prov­ing that ev­ery man de­serves a wife like that. clas­sic mo­tor­bike – Honda VFR 1200 (not yet priced) – rev­o­lu­tion­ary shaft-drive with semi-au­to­matic trans­mis­sion that will com­bine com­fort and 200mph per­for­mance. clas­sic DVD – Trafic by Jac­ques Tati: Mon­sieur Hu­lot bum­bles through the de­fin­i­tive satire on men and ma­chines. clas­sic story – Road Race by Richard Wil­liams: nos­tal­gic, wist­ful, loving ac­count of the Pescara Grand Prix of 1957 – one of the last mo­ments when mo­tor racing was hero­ically un­der­taken by poorly paid Corinthi­ans.

5AAu­to­moblox T9 Pick up (£19.95 from www. boysstuff.co.uk): A proper wooden toy made out of proper wooden build­ing blocks to be as­sem­bled cack-hand­edly and aban­doned in de­spair through­out Christ­mas af­ter­noon, fi­nally to be tri­umphantly com­pleted on Box­ing Day morn­ing. clas­sic piece of schlock– Grand Prix di­rected by John Franken­heimer: the best-ever film about mo­tor racing, with the ad­di­tional en­ter­tain­ment of spot­ting real race-driv­ers of the time (Fan­gio, Phil Hill, Gra­ham Hill, Bruce McLaren, Richie Ginther and oth­ers) in sup­port­ing roles.

6Aclas­sic CD or down­load Short Ride in a Fast Ma­chine by John Adams: min­i­mal­ism meets joy­ful ex­u­ber­ance in one of the few con­tem­po­rary rep­re­sen­ta­tions of ma­chin­ery that doesn’t share the for­bid­ding, tight-lipped views of our con­tem­po­rary Pu­ri­tans in the eco cor­ner. clas­sic trip – Two tick­ets for the Monaco Grand Prix, Sun­day, May 16 2010 (prob­a­bly not less than £1,000): the es­sen­tial pil­grim­age for mo­tor racing en­thu­si­asts that must be un­der­taken once in a life­time. clas­sic print – 1962 Good­wood TT by Gra­ham Turner (£20 www.di­rec­tart.co.uk): Jim Clark slid­ing an As­ton Martin Za­gato through Madg­wick cor­ner, ahead of the Fer­rari GTOs of Innes Ire­land and John Sur­tees. Makes you feel al­most as if you might be there. I was. clas­sic Box­ing Day out­ing – The an­nual clas­sic car and bike meet, 9am1pm Rom­sey town cen­tre, Hants.

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