Will the BBC’s final ‘Bake Off ’ rise to the occasion?
The dough show’s grand final has become a national ritual, and Michael Hogan has one way to sweeten the pill of its departing
It’s the biggest television event of the year on Wednesday – and the end of an era. Ahead of its controversial move to Channel 4, it’s the last ever episode of The Great British Bake Off on the BBC. The last one to star Mary Berry, Mel and Sue. The 2016 grand final promises to be an emotional one, as experienced baker Jane Beedle, lipstick-loving Candice Brown (below) and baby-faced aeronautics nerd Andrew Smyth battle for the champion’s crown.
The Bake Off final has become a huge communal viewing experience, attracting the year’s highest ratings as 15 million of us sit down to watch the doughy drama unfold. Past finals have included such watercooler moments as Nancy Birtwhistle beating the boys with her red windmill cake, Mary Berry crying at reigning champ Nadiya Hussain’s rousing victory speech and, of course, that infamous shot of a wellendowed squirrel which promptly went viral (#MayContainNuts).
Are you #TeamJane, #TeamCandice or #Team
Andrew? A Beedlemaniac, a Brown-ista or a Smyth-sonian? Whoever you’re supporting, here is our prediction of all the things that we think will definitely happen come Wednesday night. So keep your bingo card handy and tick them off as you spot them – it’s up to you whether you turn it into a drinking game or not but, if so, we’re not responsible for what happens next. On your marks, get set … it’s Bake Off bingo!
Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins (above) conclude their introduction by trilling together: “Welcome … to The Great British Bake Off”.
Candice busts out a bold new shade of lipstick for the occasion.
Cutaway shot of local wildlife: a waddling duck, hopping rabbit or gambolling black sheep. Twitter sneers that it’s “not a patch on THAT squirrel” Finalists shot in slo-mo,
walking across Welford Park’s impeccably manicured lawns before entering the famed marquee.
Sue calls, “On your marks, get set …” before bellowing “baaaaake!” in a comedy accent.
Mary wears a floral jacket or some natty jewellery, and social media lights up with people asking where it’s from.
Horrified baker belatedly realises that they’ve forgotten an ingredient.
Paul Hollywood wears shirt with contrast cuffs turned up, boot-cut dadjeans and hair gel.
Use of the phrases “soggy bottom” or “beautifully moist”.
Hot day in the tent causes melting chocolate/sloppy ice-cream dramas. Finalists scurry back and forth to pastel Smeg fridges.
You attempt the correct pronunciation of “croquembouche”, “pithivier”, “millefeuille” and “savarin” at home on the sofa.
Mel or Sue sneakily dip a finger into a baker’s mixture, lick it, groan with pleasure, then scamper away.
Jane goes red-faced and cross as her caramel keeps crystallising.
You enviously admire the tent’s “slide and hide” oven doors.
Candice chews her bottom lip and gurns and pouts nervously as she waits for the judges’ verdict.
After studying “crumb structure”, “fruit distribution” and “air pockets”, the judges deem something or other to be a “good bake”.
Mary euphemistically describes messy decoration as “informal”.
Andrew keeps track of his bakes with six separate electronic timers, his
cheeks acquiring a ruddy flush as the pressure mounts.
Baker gets the coveted “Hollywood handshake” for a successful creation.
Mary winks approvingly at a baker for using booze in their recipe.
Baker uses a home-made mould, customised utensil or “grandmother’s recipe”.
A technical challenge is described as “fiendish”.
Finalists told to bring their technical bakes “up to the gingham altar and place them behind your photo”.
Bakers resemble a weird band line-
up while perching on their high stools awaiting results of the technical.
Paul pokes dough with his little finger, pointing out the raw bits.
Baker uses niche ingredient, such as goldenberries, matcha tea, galangal, yuzu. Supermarket sales soar.
Someone “pops dough into the proving drawer” and you wonder again if your kitchen needs one.
Clip of green-fingered finalist Jane at home in muddy wellies and snazzy gardening gloves.
Earnest debate over what sort of flour or mixer attachment the bakers are using.
Paul brutally hacks into a cake with a scary knife, as if he’s butchering some sort of carcass.
You start looking up KitchenAid mixers on the John Lewis website.
Andrew tucks a pencil behind his ear and uses a ruler/protractor while following detailed schematics for his show-stopper.
Baker’s fingers are patched up with blue plasters.
Mel or Sue offer a supportive cuddle, armsqueeze or browmopping to stressed baker (right).
Mary pronounces the word “layers” as “lairs”.
Candice’s pug Dennis makes a cameo appearance in a clip of her baking at home, wearing a onesie.
Mary tells a finalist that they’ve “cracked it”, “that’s scrumptious” or “nowt wrong with that”.
Shot of icing sugar being sieved from a great height.
Baker squats on floor, anxiously peering through oven door and begging their bake to cook faster.
Jane forgets, once again, that her oven cooks slower than the one she has at home.
Clip of Andrew (right) at home with his three flatmates. You remark to your other half that they only look a little over 12 years old.
One of the finalists jazzes up their creation with sugar work, tempering, edible flowers, shards or fruit dipped in caramel – if this is Jane it will keep crystallising. Again.
Paul plays mind
games by quizzing a finalist, replying “interesting” and walking off with a “good luck”.
Clip of Candice doing her day job as a PE teacher makes male viewers “feel a bit funny”.
Contestant frantically fans their stillhot creation with a baking sheet.
Baker bravely decides to start afresh with their pastry or sponge, even though it will leave them short of time.
Families, friends and eliminated contestants gather at an idyllic summer fete to salute the winner. It rains.
Smiles all round as eliminated bakers Selasi Gbormittah and Benjamina Ebuehi are reunited.
Mary disapproves of a finalist’s recipe, so fixes them with a death stare.
Show-stopper is presented on quirky display such as a child’s piano, antique birdcage or mini ferris wheel.
Trembling fingers apply fiddly finishing touches.
Mel and Sue announce: “The winner of the 2016 Great British Bake Off is …”, then leave an agonising 10-second pause before the name.
Winner caught in awkward group hug while still clutching bouquet of flowers and glass cake stand.
Closing captions provide a catch-up of what all 12 original bakers have been doing since filming. All vow to take a break from baking but are back in the kitchen within days.
Mass outpouring of grief at home as the realisation dawns upon us that this will be the last episode of as we know it.