For­get Bit­coin and sink your money into dou­bloons

The Sunday Telegraph - - Sunday Comment - OLIVER PRITCHETT hos mpany’s ore g ng nois­seur ll al ce ters ot nto th. nd e READ MORE a sug read “T r

Are you bored by your Bit­coins? Look­ing for a more ex­cit­ing in­vest­ment that is also a sure thing? I have some sug­ges­tions. This is a very good time to be ahead of the game and get into dou­bloons. In his lat­est news­let­ter to in­vestors, US fi­nan­cial wiz­ard Scurvy J Beard says he be­lieves that there could still be a dozen undis­cov­ered pi­rate trea­sure maps in ex­is­tence. This has stirred tremen­dous in­ter­est in no­tional dou­bloons and also in sup­posed pieces of eight, which are now chang­ing hands at $1,500 each.

Monopoly money is another wise bet. In De­cem­ber 1974 the Wilkin­son fam­ily, of De­vizes, played a game in which a dis­pute over a ho­tel on Vine Street led to the no­to­ri­ous Great Wilkin­son Mas­sacre. A sin­gle £100 note from that game re­cently fetched the equiv­a­lent of £280,000 in Tokyo. Get Out of Jail Free cards (in batches of 10) are ap­pre­ci­at­ing by 20 per cent a year.

Af­ter a lull of about a cen­tury, the groat has be­gun to at­tract in­ter­est. There was some volatil­ity at first, but now the imag­i­nary groat has achieved par­ity with the hy­po­thet­i­cal widow’s mite. The mar­ket is con­fi­dently ex­pected to take off in com­ing months.

I am in­vest­ing heav­ily in Saxon hoard fu­tures. I’ve been buy­ing “finds” that may be turned up by a plough or a metal de­tec­torist in years to come. Last week I paid £800,000 for an or­nate gold Saxon belt buckle, which may or may not ex­ist. I’m sure I could sell it for a de­cent profit to­mor­row.

In the past cou­ple of months, a craze for mazes has been sweep­ing across the West Coast of the United States. This has led to the cre­ation of an ex­cit­ing new kind of hedge fund. A yard of pro­vi­sional de­cent yew hedge re­cently changed hands at a quar­ter of a mil­lion dol­lars. You can also get a good re­turn on vir­tual privet.

The idea of “lady-friendly” crisps (with a qui­eter crunch and in a smaller packet that fits into a hand­bag) seems to have gone down like a soggy Pringle. How­ever, I am con­fi­dent that Ma­chos, the crisps mar­keted as “Just for Blokes”, will be a roar­ing suc­cess.

These crisps will come in hol­ster­shaped bags that can be clipped on to the belt of your jeans and are guar­an­teed to be the nois­i­est on the mar­ket. You can have a choice of sounds when you bite into a Ma­cho – car crash or thun­der­clap. The tex­ture is that of a re­ally mean pork scratch­ing.

The flavour of the first Ma­chos will be Vin­daloo-n-Lager, but other va­ri­eties are planned. The com­pany’s sci­en­tists are work­ing on a more so­phis­ti­cated taste, com­bin­ing Lam­borgh­ini ex­haust fumes with essence of rugby club chang­ing rooms. Other flavours in the pipe­line are bar­be­cued surf­board and arm wrestler’s sweat. For the con­nois­seur of the nois­ier crunch, guys will also be able to sam­ple the OK Cor­ral Spe­cial, in which ev­ery crisp con­tains a tiny ex­plo­sive de­vice that makes a de­cent bang and scat­ters crumbs over a wide area.

The man­u­fac­tur­ers have not for­got­ten the chap who likes to chuck a dry-roasted peanut into the air and catch it in his mouth. Com­ing soon: the light­weight peanut that hangs in the air and also pro­duces an en­hanced or­ange stain.

at tele­graph.co.uk/ opin­ion That great au­thor­ity, Tatler mag­a­zine, warns its read­ers not to use words now con­sid­ered to be un­cool. On the banned list are “quaff”, “hubby”, “shindig” and “ba­si­cally”.

These must be wor­ry­ing times for read­ers. reader What words do they dare use to de­scribe des the cold weather we’ve been hav­ing? h Would it be un­cool to say “parky” “p or “brass mon­keys” and, if they re­mark that it’s a bit “nippy”, would they find them­selves dis­in­vited to the next Tatler shindig? Where do “pe “per­ish­ing” and “in­clement” and “chilly” “chilly stand on the cool­ness scale? They must m fret about whether it is OK to say “Cold enough for you?” To be b on the safe side, they should prob­a­bly pro cut dead any­one who ut­tered utt the words “Bring back Fah Fahren­heit” or “I don’t call this glo global warm­ing.”

It’s fine for the rest of us; we can moan about the tem­per­a­ture in any way we like. I would sug­gest, for any wor­ried Tatler reader out there, that your best bet, as you but­ton your Bar­bour, is to say: “These coun­try houses do tend to be rather draughty.”

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