Bar­bar­ian at the gate?

THE (Times Higher Education) - - THE POPPLETONIAN -

“At times it threat­ened to par­al­lel the worst ex­cesses of the French Rev­o­lu­tion.”

That was how Bri­gadier T. W. Trounc­ing, Pop­ple­ton’s Head of Cam­pus Se­cu­rity, chose to de­scribe some of the dis­turb­ing be­hav­iour that oc­curred dur­ing the re­cent fresh­ers’ week.

Bri­gadier Trounc­ing told our re­porter Keith Ponting (30) that much of the “may­hem” had been caused by no more than three or four com­mit­ted trou­ble­mak­ers. He in­stanced one such in­di­vid­ual who had been seen snort­ing Class A drugs in the Learn­ing and Re­sources Cen­tre (for­merly the Cen­tral Li­brary) and had then, ac­cord­ing to other wit­nesses, gone on to drink heav­ily in the Stu­dent Union bar be­fore pro­ceed­ing to com­mit sev­eral acts of van­dal­ism. These in­cluded scrawl­ing “The Vice-Chan­cel­lor is a Do­tard” on

the wall of the same-sex toi­lets (for­merly Male and Fe­male) and de­fac­ing the panoramic por­trait of the uni­ver­sity cam­pus in the Brand Man­ager’s Of­fice (for­merly the Phi­los­o­phy Depart­ment) with the slo­gan “Stop the Term, I Want to Get Off”.

“And had this de­viant been ap­pre­hended?” asked Ponting.

“In­deed,” said Bri­gadier Trounc­ing.

“And had dis­ci­plinary ac­tion been taken?”

“In­deed.”

“What, ex­actly?”

“A pri­or­ity email has been sent to Pro­fes­sor Lap­ping out­lin­ing the im­me­di­ate ad­van­tages of pre­ma­ture re­tire­ment.”

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