Barbarian at the gate?
“At times it threatened to parallel the worst excesses of the French Revolution.”
That was how Brigadier T. W. Trouncing, Poppleton’s Head of Campus Security, chose to describe some of the disturbing behaviour that occurred during the recent freshers’ week.
Brigadier Trouncing told our reporter Keith Ponting (30) that much of the “mayhem” had been caused by no more than three or four committed troublemakers. He instanced one such individual who had been seen snorting Class A drugs in the Learning and Resources Centre (formerly the Central Library) and had then, according to other witnesses, gone on to drink heavily in the Student Union bar before proceeding to commit several acts of vandalism. These included scrawling “The Vice-Chancellor is a Dotard” on
the wall of the same-sex toilets (formerly Male and Female) and defacing the panoramic portrait of the university campus in the Brand Manager’s Office (formerly the Philosophy Department) with the slogan “Stop the Term, I Want to Get Off”.
“And had this deviant been apprehended?” asked Ponting.
“Indeed,” said Brigadier Trouncing.
“And had disciplinary action been taken?”
“A priority email has been sent to Professor Lapping outlining the immediate advantages of premature retirement.”