FUCK ALL ON MARS
at nAsA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory yesterday expressed their disappointment as results from the latest mission to Mars showed that there was fuck all on our nearest planetary neighbour.
The $60billion Mars Rover has spent the last 30 months wandering the surface of the Red Planet looking for interesting chemistry and signs of life, but so far has come up empty-handed.
“We’ve discovered Jack shit,” said project leader Professor Dwight Oysterburger. “34 million miles and ten years of work for diddly fucking squat,” he added.
And Dr Herb Theacropolis, in charge of Rover’s organic chemistry programme, was equally dispirited about the complete absence of hydrocarbons on the planet’s surface.
“There’s butt fuck nothing on that goddam rock,” he told a press conference at the Kennedy Space Centre. “Sweet Fanny fucking Adams.”
The next project to be undertaken by the space agency will be to send an unmanned spacecraft to Titan, the largest of Saturn’s moons. Launched next year, it is hoped the $4billion probe will touch down on the rocky surface early in 2019.
But project leader Franklyn Beauregard was unexcited at the prospect. “We’ll probably find ten times the square root of fuck all,” he told CNC News.
Nothing doing: The planet Mars as it appears through a fuck-off telescope (above) and (inset) some of the 56 million square miles of fuck all that covers its