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at nAsA’s Jet Propul­sion Lab­o­ra­tory yes­ter­day ex­pressed their dis­ap­point­ment as re­sults from the lat­est mission to Mars showed that there was fuck all on our near­est plan­e­tary neigh­bour.

The $60bil­lion Mars Rover has spent the last 30 months wan­der­ing the sur­face of the Red Planet look­ing for in­ter­est­ing chem­istry and signs of life, but so far has come up empty-handed.

“We’ve dis­cov­ered Jack shit,” said project leader Pro­fes­sor Dwight Oys­ter­burger. “34 mil­lion miles and ten years of work for did­dly fuck­ing squat,” he added.


And Dr Herb Theacrop­o­lis, in charge of Rover’s or­ganic chem­istry pro­gramme, was equally dispir­ited about the com­plete ab­sence of hy­dro­car­bons on the planet’s sur­face.


“There’s butt fuck noth­ing on that god­dam rock,” he told a press con­fer­ence at the Kennedy Space Cen­tre. “Sweet Fanny fuck­ing Adams.”

The next project to be un­der­taken by the space agency will be to send an un­manned space­craft to Ti­tan, the largest of Saturn’s moons. Launched next year, it is hoped the $4bil­lion probe will touch down on the rocky sur­face early in 2019.


But project leader Franklyn Beau­re­gard was un­ex­cited at the prospect. “We’ll prob­a­bly find ten times the square root of fuck all,” he told CNC News.


Noth­ing do­ing: The planet Mars as it ap­pears through a fuck-off tele­scope (above) and (inset) some of the 56 mil­lion square miles of fuck all that cov­ers its


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