HACKED OFF!
“Cyber attacks have ruined my life,” says Darlington drain cleaner
FROM political parties to Hollywood studios, from banks to the NHS, nobody these days is safe from internet hackers. Cyber attacks conducted by faceless gangs of online criminals have rarely been out of the headlines over the past few months, and the havoc they wreak can range from mass data theft and classified information leakage to airline travel chaos. These are truly terrifying times for anyone who owns a computer. And one man who has seen at first hand the horror that the planet’s top-level keyboard warriors are capable of is
LEYLAND SPRINKLE. Throughout recent weeks, so-sad Darlington-born Leyland, 56, has been the victim of a relentless barrage of online hack attacks which have cost him his house, his wife and his livelihood.
“Before the hackers got to me, I had it all,” sobs big-boned Leyland. “A wonderful, caring missus, a beautiful two-up-two-down home and a job that I cherished and loved. But once the internet attacks started, my whole world began to crumble around me.” And Leyland says that he is still struggling to pick up the pieces of his shattered life.
Now he is embarking on a lecture tour of Darlington flat roof pubs, telling his chilling story in the hope that his experiences will alert his fellow drinkers to the risk of becoming victims of cyber crime. “If just one person takes heed and avoids becoming the prey of these evil hackers, it will all have been worth it,” he said.
Hate Mail
Speaking from the south Darlington hostel where he is currently residing, Sprinkle reveals that his first brush with high-level cyber crime came during the first day at his brand new job.
“After eighteen months on the nash, I’d finally found a steady gig as a drain cleaner at Willis Fishbitz, a local frozen foods factory,” Leyland recalls. “In the past, I’ve had a bit of bother holding down long-term employment due to several dozen minor incidents involving workplace aggression and sexual harassment, but at Willis’ I finally felt happy and settled.”
unclogging
His first day went going swimmingly until mid-morning. He tells us: “I’d just got done unclogging the U-bend in the downstairs gents and I was having a couple of tins of Spesh to celebrate, when my supervisor, Mr Heygate, spotted me in the corridor and gave me a right old dressing down about drinking on the job, right there and then in front of everyone. Frankly I felt humiliated and belittled.”
upset
“I was so upset by the experience that I had to stop off in a layby on my way home from work for a few more tins. This calmed my nerves and I put the whole unfortunate experience behind me.”
“However, when I arrived at the factory the next morning I was called straight in to Mr Heygate’s office. He glared at me with a face like thunder and turned his computer screen towards me. What I saw shocked me to the core.”
physical
It was a vicious, incoherent, rambling email addressed to Mr Heygate, containing a barrage of four-letter insults, interspersed with detailed threats of physical violence towards him and sexual comments about his wife.”
“When I looked at who had sent it, my blood ran cold. It was from my email address.”
“I couldn’t think how it had happened. And then it hit me. A few months before, a mate of mine had put a picture of the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un’s head photoshopped onto a big fat Sumo wrestler’s body up on Facebook and I’d liked it.”
painful
“I’d thought nothing of it at the time, but it was painfully clear to me now what must have happened. My subversive response to the image had been spotted by top brass in Pyongyang, who had promptly labelled me an enemy of the state. Their faceless cabal of cyber soldiers had then hacked into my AOL account and sent that abusive email as a warning that I was being watched.”
“I was told to watch my step by Mr Heygate and I returned to work chastened as the chilling realisation dawned on me that I was now under secret surveillance from one of the planet’s most fearsome dictatorships.”
Tangled World Wide Web
Sprinkle did his best to move on from his brush with North Korea’s sneaky cyber attackers. But unbeknownst to him, an entirely different set of online criminals also had their sights trained on him.
Leyland recalls: “After my run-in with North Korea, I kept my head down and avoided social media. Everything was going fine until the next day. It was late afternoon and I was in up Mr Heygate’s
When I tried to log in, the screen froze and the cursor began moving of its own accord
office, having just used two big bottles of caustic soda to unclog a faecal blockage in the executive washroom. The office was empty and I assumed he must have gone home early, so I quickly logged on to his computer to peruse a learned article or two on the Guardian website.”
“However, when I tried to log in, the screen froze and the cursor began moving of its own accord. I watched in horror as it floated eerily across to the toolbar and typed ‘www.hardcorebukkakebondage.com’.”
stomach-churning
“I literally gasped out loud in shock. The office server had clearly been hacked. Frantically I tried to close the computer, but it wouldn’t shut down. Instead, dozens more hardcore pornography sites popped up on the screen, and I sat there in terror as the most stomach-churning acts of sexual degradation played out in high definition before my eyes. Over and over again. What was going on?”
“Suddenly, all the pieces fell into place. A few weeks previously, a satirical gif of Donald Trump farting his own wig off had been doing the rounds, and I’d re-tweeted it on my Twitter account. The spooks at the Pentagon must have seen it and decided to teach me a lesson. They had detected me logging onto Mr Heygate’s computer and gone into action.” “And it was at that moment that Mr Heygate walked in.”
“I stood up to try and explain myself but my belt must have somehow become snagged on the desk drawer knob, as my trousers and pants fell down around my ankles. I told Mr Heygate that the FBI and the CIA were bombarding his computer with compromising material from a dark web server in the bowels of the White House, but he simply wouldn’t listen to reason.”
trousers
“Mr Heygate told me in no uncertain terms that I was on thin ice, and he gave me a verbal warning that if I didn’t buck my ideas up I’d be out on my ear.”
As I buckled up my trousers and staggered out of the office, the chilling realisation dawned on me that I now had TWO of the planet’s most unpredictable regimes on my tail, and they could both pounce through cyberspace at any moment.”
Phot-Oh No!
Through no fault of his own, Sprinkle’s beloved new job was hanging by a thread. But little did he know that things were about to take an even more sinister and unpleasant turn.
“I was in a right old state by this point,” Leyland weeps uncontrollably. “I didn’t even want to look at a computer for fear that hackers would be waiting for me. Little did I know that these cyber-terrorists had other ways to make my life hell.”
blood
toilets
“A couple of days afterwards I was a bit late into work as I’d been out for a few the night before. As soon as I arrived, I was called in to see Mr Heygate. There with him in his office, refusing to look me in the eye, was Susan from Accounts.”
“I’ve always had a soft spot for Susan. She’s friendly and bubbly and looks a bit like Carol Kirkwood off of BBC weather, only with slightly bigger tits.”
“Mr Heygate explained that one of the other employees had found a mobile in the toilets. They didn’t know who it belonged to, so they’d gone through the photos looking for selfies. Instead, what they found were hundreds of clandestinely taken “upskirt” photographs, the last few dozen of which appeared to feature Susan from Accounts.”
“The blood drained from my face as I realised the phone was mine. But how to explain all those obscene photographs? I knew I hadn’t taken them, so where had they come from, and what were they doing on my mobile?”
“Therewasonlyoneexplanation - cyber hackers had struck again. What’s more, I knew why. A few weeks previously, I had seen a satirical picture that was doing the rounds on the internet. It featured Russian leader Vladimir Putin’s face with a big pair of hairy bollocks hanging off his chin and some piss coming out of a hog’s eye that had been photoshopped onto the top of his head. I had reposted it on my Instagram, along with the comment ‘LMFAO’.” sick
“The KGB had clearly intercepted it and decided to exact their revenge. By remote control from the Kremlin, they must have flown a microdrone equipped with a high definition camera into the Willis Fishbitz factory, up the stairs into the accounts office and under Susan’s skirt, taking several illicit pictures. They had clearly also done the same to women from several of my previous workplaces.”
“These sick images were then uploaded into my phone by Politburo agents who had somehow hacked my password to access my icloud account. It was a classic KGB stitch-up operation, and I was the patsy.”
“I explained all this to Mr Heygate, but he was having none of it. He said that if I deleted the photos and apologised to Susan, the police wouldn’t be called and that would be an end to the matter. I could have argued my corner, but it was my word against the Soviet superstate. If Mr Heygate had rang up the Kremlin, they would have denied all knowledge of planting all those upskirts on my phone. I had no choice but to do what my boss had suggested.”
sprinkle
But if Sprinkle thought that was an end of the matter, he had another think coming. Because the very next day he was called back into Mr Heygate’s office.
“Susan was there again, and this time she was accompanied by two policemen,” he recalls. “I asked what it was all about and Mr Heygate asked Susan to pass me her phone. I looked at the screen and what I saw there made me feel physically sick. It was a close-up photograph of an erect penis, with the words ‘Suck this then I’ll shove it up u u dirty bitch’ underneath it. I was about to enquire which misogynistic monster was responsible for the message when I realised two things.” “Firstly, the message had been sent from my phone number. And secondly, it was my own erect penis in the photograph.”
outburst
“I was speechless with horror. Memories of the previous night suddenly flooded back, and it became crystal clear what must have happened. I’d come out of the pub the previous night and gone into the local Chinese takeaway to get some chips. The man behind the counter said they didn’t do just chips and I’d had a bit of an outburst that he may, on reflection, have misconstrued as being a little bit racist.”
“Seeking revenge for this imagined sleight, as soon as I’d left the shop the man had clearly contacted the Chinese secret service - the Ministry of State Security - and dobbed me in. Acting on this tip-off, Beijing cyber-spies had hacked into my phone, somehow taken a photograph of my erect manhood, and then texted it to Susan - along with a cheeky message - at half past three in the morning.”
warning
“I tried to explain the situation but, as usual, Mr Heygate had already put two and two together to make five. He handed me my P45 and told me not to come back. Even worse, I was then arrested and taken to the station, where I was charged with offences under the Malicious Communications Act and breaching previous bail conditions. Eventually, after five hours of questioning I was released, but even as I headed home for a few relaxing cans, my nightmare was far from over.”
“As I walked through the front gate, I noticed a suitcase containing all my clothes on the path. Cynthia - my wife of thirty years - had finally had enough and thrown me out.”
“As I wearily carried that battered case to the hostel where I usually go when she throws me out, I resolved to use my experience as a warning to others about how easy it is to fall victim to ruthless international cyber-criminals. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.”
Leyland’s lecture tour begins next Tuesday at 11am in the smoking lounge at the Albion pub, Cockerton. Entry is £3 cash on the door, and includes pie & pea dinner and 2 exotic dancers from Middlesbrough.
As I buckled up my trousers and staggered out of the office, the chilling realisation dawned on me that I now had TWO of the planet’s most unpredictable regimes on my tail