BRUSH WITH THE LAW

YOUR bris­tled im­ple­ment le­gal queries an­swered by Viz’s in-house brush lawyer, Mr Quer­cus Pe­traea, QC

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Dear Mr Pe­traea, QC,

On April Fools’ Day this year, we were stay­ing at my sister’s and I de­cided it would be an amus­ing prank to stick my brother-in-law’s tooth­brush up my arse. Un­for­tu­nately, how­ever, my brother-in-law uses an elec­tric tooth­brush, and once the bris­tled head was fully in­serted into my anus, I ac­ci­den­tally switched the mech­a­nism on, thus painfully rup­tur­ing my anal cav­ity. The re­sult­ing rec­tal fis­sure has since be­come in­fected by fae­cal bac­te­ria, and I have sub­se­quently had to take TWO MONTHS off work at re­duced pay. Do I have a claim against my brother-in-law for the in­jury I in­curred whilst us­ing his tooth­brush? Bert Felch, Ham­mer­smith

Mr Pe­traea, QC, says:

“You cer­tainly do, Mr Felch. Your brother-in-law knew full well that it was April Fools’ Day, and, as such, any of his smallto-medium-sized per­sonal items (in­clud­ing sta­tionery, cut­lery, or in­deed any kind of brush) could well find their way into a friend or rel­a­tive’s anus. By fail­ing to en­sure that his elec­tric tooth­brush was out of bat­ter­ies, your brother-in-law KNOW­INGLY put your rec­tal safety at risk - and he must pay the price for it. I would rec­om­mend hir­ing a so­lic­i­tor to pur­sue him through the courts un­til he pays up. That will be £350.”

Dear Mr Pe­traea, QC,

I am a bur­glar who also hap­pens to be bald, and while break­ing into a house a few months back I came across a beau­ti­ful gold and di­a­mond-em­bossed hairbrush on the night­stand. The item’s ob­vi­ous value meant I could not af­ford to leave it be­hind, but ever since steal­ing it, it has just sat there smugly on my man­tel­piece, taunt­ing me about my lack of hair. I have be­come ex­tremely de­pressed as a re­sult, and haven’t done any bur­gling for weeks, which has led to me missing my lat­est elec­tric bill and hav­ing my power cut off. Am I en­ti­tled to com­pen­sa­tion from the hairbrush’s owner(s)? Dar­ren Theft, Chelms­ford

Mr Pe­traea, QC, says:

“You are in­deed, Mr Theft. If your vic­tims were wealthy enough to af­ford a pre­cious stone-en­crusted hairbrush, they must also have known they were likely to be bur­gled at some point. Their de­ci­sion to leave that brush ly­ing about rep­re­sents a clear fail­ure to con­sider the emo­tional im­pact of male pat­tern bald­ness within the bur­gling com­mu­nity: a fact that is morally - and legally - un­for­giv­able. My ad­vice would be to seek rep­re­sen­ta­tion im­me­di­ately and pur­sue your vic­tims through the courts un­til they a) pay up or b) have the de­cency to cover the cost of a hair trans­plant and/or toupee, so you can be­gin bur­gling again with a fully re­plen­ished sense of self-es­teem. That will be £500.”

Dear Mr Pe­traea, QC,

I am a fairly high-rank­ing Can­ter­bury-based Angli­can Arch­bishop. I was re­cently at the house of an­other prom­i­nent mem­ber of the Angli­can Church, and was us­ing his toi­let af­ter a heavy meal of black pud­ding, choco­late gateau and four pints of Guin­ness. Upon flush­ing the lava­tory, I re­alised I had left some rather un­sightly marks at the bottom of the bowl, but when I looked around for a toi­let brush, there was none to be found. As such, I was forced to leave the stains un­scrubbed, and I have since been sub­jected to a bar­rage of mock­ery and harassment from my fel­low cler­gy­men, many of whom have be­gun call­ing me ‘Skid­mark Welby’. Do I have a case against the owner of this brush-less lava­tory for the dam­age he has done to both my per­sonal and pro­fes­sional rep­u­ta­tion? Name with­held by re­quest, Can­ter­bury

Mr Pe­traea, QC, says:

“I’m afraid this is some­thing of a grey area. Whilst ev­ery UK lava­tory is legally re­quired to pro­vide toi­let pa­per, air fresh­en­ing spray and some­thing to read, there is no ac­tual law stat­ing that a brush must be present. As any good lawyer will tell you, what you should have done in that sit­u­a­tion was to ball up a load of toi­let tis­sue and dump it into the bowl, with­out flush­ing. This would have tem­po­rar­ily hid­den your un­sightly fae­cal stains, which could then have been blamed on the next per­son who flushed the toi­let. That will be £600.” Have YOU got a le­gal en­quiry about lit­er­ally any sort of brush what­so­ever? Why not write in to: ‘Brush with the Law’, c/o Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whit­ley Bay, NE26 9EQ

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