FOR THE AVERAGE BRIT, life underwater will take serious adjustment. Some humans, such as Olympic swimmers, deep sea divers and David Walliams, will immediately feel at home and adapt quicker than others to their new watery surroundings. But for most of us, the change to a fish-like, submarine lifestyle will feel bizarre and terrifying. For the first few months following the country’s total submergence, everyone in the UK will have to wear a cumbersome oxygen tank at all times - even while sleeping, eating or performing simple household chores. The good news, however, is that human beings are constantly adapting to their environment, and by early 2021 - through the miracle of evolution - we will have developed fully functioning gills. While this evolution into a grotesque human-fish hybrid will undoubtedly have its benefits - such as the ability to breathe unaided underwater - there will also be drawbacks. Obviously, turning into fish will be a shock for everyone except Michael Gove. We will soon develop hideous, Creature From The Black
Lagoon- style webbed hands, which will make swimming easier, but will also hasten the demise of traditional land-based hobbies such as origami, shadow puppetry and making models of the Houses of Parliament out of matchsticks. The previously simple and enjoyable process of defecation will change beyond all recognition, too. Long gone will be our archaic, terra firma-based stools, which drop cleanly from between our buttocks and land with a satisfying ‘plop’ in the toilet bowl. Instead, submarinous Brits of 2020 will experience long, stringy bowel movements that remain attached to their nipsies for hours on end, swishing about behind them like repulsive brown tails. Each morning 10 million commuters will surge out into the water-filled streets having just performed their postbreakfast breakfast-breakfast toilet, each of them trailing a long, stringy shit out the back of their trousers. Rush hour will become a distinctly unpleasant prospect, and viewing figures for daytime television shows such as Homes Under the Hammer, Bargain Hunt and Doctors will boom as more and more people will opt to work from home.