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FOR THE AV­ER­AGE BRIT, life un­der­wa­ter will take se­ri­ous ad­just­ment. Some hu­mans, such as Olympic swim­mers, deep sea divers and David Wal­liams, will im­me­di­ately feel at home and adapt quicker than oth­ers to their new wa­tery sur­round­ings. But for most of us, the change to a fish-like, sub­ma­rine life­style will feel bizarre and ter­ri­fy­ing. For the first few months fol­low­ing the coun­try’s to­tal sub­mer­gence, ev­ery­one in the UK will have to wear a cum­ber­some oxy­gen tank at all times - even while sleep­ing, eat­ing or per­form­ing sim­ple house­hold chores. The good news, how­ever, is that hu­man be­ings are con­stantly adapt­ing to their en­vi­ron­ment, and by early 2021 - through the mir­a­cle of evo­lu­tion - we will have de­vel­oped fully func­tion­ing gills. While this evo­lu­tion into a grotesque hu­man-fish hy­brid will un­doubt­edly have its ben­e­fits - such as the abil­ity to breathe un­aided un­der­wa­ter - there will also be draw­backs. Ob­vi­ously, turn­ing into fish will be a shock for ev­ery­one ex­cept Michael Gove. We will soon de­velop hideous, Crea­ture From The Black

La­goon- style webbed hands, which will make swim­ming eas­ier, but will also has­ten the demise of tra­di­tional land-based hob­bies such as origami, shadow pup­petry and mak­ing mod­els of the Houses of Par­lia­ment out of match­sticks. The pre­vi­ously sim­ple and en­joy­able process of defe­ca­tion will change be­yond all recog­ni­tion, too. Long gone will be our ar­chaic, terra firma-based stools, which drop cleanly from be­tween our but­tocks and land with a sat­is­fy­ing ‘plop’ in the toi­let bowl. In­stead, sub­mari­nous Brits of 2020 will ex­pe­ri­ence long, stringy bowel move­ments that re­main at­tached to their nip­sies for hours on end, swish­ing about be­hind them like re­pul­sive brown tails. Each morn­ing 10 mil­lion com­muters will surge out into the wa­ter-filled streets hav­ing just per­formed their post­break­fast break­fast-break­fast toi­let, each of them trail­ing a long, stringy shit out the back of their trousers. Rush hour will be­come a dis­tinctly un­pleas­ant prospect, and view­ing fig­ures for day­time tele­vi­sion shows such as Homes Un­der the Ham­mer, Bar­gain Hunt and Doc­tors will boom as more and more peo­ple will opt to work from home.

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