Pippa’s Arse to re­tire from pub­lic life

VIZ - - NEWS -

ROYAL watch­ers were left reel­ing this morn­ing af­ter Buck­ing­ham Palace an­nounced that muchloved dirt­box PIPPA MID­DLE­TON'S ARSE is to re­tire from pub­lic du­ties with im­me­di­ate ef­fect. The re­gal-by-mar­riage but­tocks, 34, re­port­edly broke the news to Ms Mid­dle­ton, who is also 34, late last night, say­ing the stress of six years of pub­lic ap­pear­ances was tak­ing its toll on their health. And with the de­ci­sion com­ing just weeks af­ter Prince Philip's of­fi­cial with­drawal from pub­lic duty, many monar­chy fans are con­cerned about the risk of a so-called 'domino ef­fect'. At a press con­fer­ence in Bal­moral, Royal spokesman Severus But­ter­scotch ap­pealed for calm.

"We are of course shocked and sad­dened by Pippa's arse's de­ci­sion," said But­ter­scotch. "But we must re­mind fans of the House of Wind­sor that Pippa her­self will con­tinue to work closely with the Royal Fam­ily, mak­ing fre­quent pub­lic ap­pear­ances up and down the coun­try. The only dif­fer­ence is that her chuff will not be with her."


Ac­cord­ing to sources, the glob­ally adored pos­te­rior is look­ing for­ward to us­ing its re­tire­ment to "spend more qual­ity time with friends and fam­ily". How­ever, royal watch­ers across the coun­try have re­acted in fury at the news of the cher­ished muck­spreader's re­treat from pub­lic view.

House­wife and monar­chy en­thu­si­ast Mau­reen Belve, 61, today claimed she was "dis­gusted and ap­palled" by the rev­e­la­tion.

"First Prince Philip steps down, and now Pippa's arse is bow­ing out, too,” fumed Mrs Belve. "Who'll be next, I won­der? The Queen? Prince Harry? Fergie's tits? It ruddy well beg­gars be­lief."

"At this rate, within a few years we won't have a sin­gle Royal left to watch", the in­censed home­maker added.


In a spe­cial broad­cast aired this af­ter­noon on the BBC, Royal Cor­re­spon­dent Ni­cholas Witchell of­fered ad­vice and con­so­la­tion for any dis­heart­ened ad­mir­ers of monar­chic mud­flaps.

"Pippa's arse is ab­so­lutely mag­nif­i­cent and ma­jes­tic," Witchell told view­ers. "But trust me, it's not the only Royal rear worth ogling."

The car­rot-topped re­gency re­porter con­tin­ued: "All that horse rid­ing has given Zara Phillips the kind of but­tocks that could crack a wal­nut, and even So­phie Wes­sex has got a pretty de­cent dirt­box for a duchess her age,” he smarmed.

“As for Lady Melons Tay­lor, if you can tear your eyes off her tits for one sec­ond, you'll see that she's not ex­actly lack­ing in the ca­boose depart­ment, ei­ther,” Witchell added.

Butt out: Mid­dle­ton’s Arse will re­tire from the lime­light al­though Pippa (inset) will con­tinue to make pub­lic ap­pear­ances.

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