A BUTT THAT WILL QUIT!
Pippa’s Arse to retire from public life
ROYAL watchers were left reeling this morning after Buckingham Palace announced that muchloved dirtbox PIPPA MIDDLETON'S ARSE is to retire from public duties with immediate effect. The regal-by-marriage buttocks, 34, reportedly broke the news to Ms Middleton, who is also 34, late last night, saying the stress of six years of public appearances was taking its toll on their health. And with the decision coming just weeks after Prince Philip's official withdrawal from public duty, many monarchy fans are concerned about the risk of a so-called 'domino effect'. At a press conference in Balmoral, Royal spokesman Severus Butterscotch appealed for calm.
"We are of course shocked and saddened by Pippa's arse's decision," said Butterscotch. "But we must remind fans of the House of Windsor that Pippa herself will continue to work closely with the Royal Family, making frequent public appearances up and down the country. The only difference is that her chuff will not be with her."
According to sources, the globally adored posterior is looking forward to using its retirement to "spend more quality time with friends and family". However, royal watchers across the country have reacted in fury at the news of the cherished muckspreader's retreat from public view.
Housewife and monarchy enthusiast Maureen Belve, 61, today claimed she was "disgusted and appalled" by the revelation.
"First Prince Philip steps down, and now Pippa's arse is bowing out, too,” fumed Mrs Belve. "Who'll be next, I wonder? The Queen? Prince Harry? Fergie's tits? It ruddy well beggars belief."
"At this rate, within a few years we won't have a single Royal left to watch", the incensed homemaker added.
In a special broadcast aired this afternoon on the BBC, Royal Correspondent Nicholas Witchell offered advice and consolation for any disheartened admirers of monarchic mudflaps.
"Pippa's arse is absolutely magnificent and majestic," Witchell told viewers. "But trust me, it's not the only Royal rear worth ogling."
The carrot-topped regency reporter continued: "All that horse riding has given Zara Phillips the kind of buttocks that could crack a walnut, and even Sophie Wessex has got a pretty decent dirtbox for a duchess her age,” he smarmed.
“As for Lady Melons Taylor, if you can tear your eyes off her tits for one second, you'll see that she's not exactly lacking in the caboose department, either,” Witchell added.
Butt out: Middleton’s Arse will retire from the limelight although Pippa (inset) will continue to make public appearances.