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IMAG­INE if dogs had hands, what sort of mis­chief would they get up to? It doesn’t bear think­ing about. Neil Mainey, Ross on Wye


shop­ping in Nor­way re­cently, I dis­cov­ered that in the towns they charge you 10Kr to use the loo. That’s about a quid. A

quid! Surely that has to be the most ex­pen­sive shit in Europe? If any read­ers know of more ex­pen­sive places than Nor­way to leave a stool I would love to know. An­drew Ward, Blyth

IT’S a fright­en­ing fact that 99% of dic­ta­tors and war­mon­gers, from Vlad the im­paler and Mar­garet Thatcher to Hitler, Tony Blair and all Amer­i­can pres­i­dents, have HAIR. The list is end­less. And cur­rent day lead­ers Don­ald Trump and Kim Jong Un carry on the hairy trend. I don’t think there will ever be peace un­til we get some bald lead­ers. John Livingstone, La Vila Joiosa

MY girl­friend com­plains ev­ery time I leave the toi­let seat up at her place be­cause, she says, she doesn’t like to touch it. But she lives on her own, so it’s only ever her arse that’s been on it. I’ve seen it and it’s a very nice arse, so I re­ally don’t know why she gets so an­noyed. Eton Tri­fles, Ac­cring­ton-by-the-Sea

MY MIS­SUS only wants to have sex with me af­ter I’ve freshly show­ered. But I al­ways have a wank in the shower, so I am phys­i­cally in­ca­pable of sex for a few hours af­ter­wards, by which time she is no longer in­ter­ested. Do any of your read­ers have a sim­ple so­lu­tion to break this pi­ti­ful cy­cle that doesn’t in­volve me not hav­ing a wank in the shower? Sammy S, email

WENT to the “Brick Live” Lego ex­hi­bi­tion with the kids the other day and saw a huge Lego ele­phant on dis­play. A sign next to it proudly stated that it had taken six peo­ple 1,600 hours to cre­ate it us­ing 271,739 bricks. When you do the maths, that means they each placed one brick ev­ery 2.11 min­utes. What a bunch of lazy bas­tards. I build Lego much faster than that and I don’t even get paid or en­joy it. Mark Goodall, Sut­ton Cold­field

was telling a joke to some friends re­cently, the punch­line of which men­tions Prince Charles’s fore­skin. One of them asked me if the next in line to reign over our Com­mon­wealth of na­tions does in­deed pos­sess a fore­skin, and I have to ad­mit that I didn’t know. The an­swer prob­a­bly won’t al­ter my opin­ion of our fu­ture monarch, but if he doesn’t have one I should prob­a­bly stop telling the joke. Granty T Wandi, Aus­tralia

Well, read­ers. Do you know whether or not Prince Charles has a fore­skin? Per­haps you’ve stood next to him at the uri­nals in Buck­ing­ham Palace. Maybe you’ve sat near to Camilla Parker Bowles in the hair­dressers whilst she gos­sips with her friends. Or per­haps you are one of the physi­cians to the House of Wind­sor who has scant re­gard for the bit about doc­tor/pa­tient con­fi­den­tial­ity in the med­i­cal code of ethics. Write in and let us know. yel­low safety vests are all very well, but they won’t help you in a cus­tard fac­tory. Pete Busby, West Aus­tralia

WAS most en­ter­tained by your amus­ing and ac­cu­rate por­trayal of the Model Rail­way En­thu­si­ast in Viz is­sue 270. There is, how­ever, a glar­ing er­ror re­lat­ing to the 7:42am train. You de­scribe a Deltic be­ing pre­pared for this duty then state the lo­co­mo­tive gath­ers steam as it pulls away from the plat­form. The Deltic is of course diesel, not steam-pow­ered. This is the kind of glar­ing er­ror in an im­por­tant de­tail that re­duces me to tears of frus­tra­tion and rage. Gor­don Lang­lands, Fife

SO Frankie Valli lost his cherry at party in late De­cem­ber back in ’63. Well there’s no need to keep mak­ing a song and dance about it for the last 50 odd years. I lost my cherry be­hind the public lavvies in the park dur­ing the Easter hol­i­days in 1977, but I don’t keep bang­ing on about it. Reg Corvette, St Al­bans

IN Star Trek, it’s al­ways struck me that when beam­ing down to some planet, no one ends up in some dog shit or a large pile of puke. If he boldly went where I live, the chances are more than likely that Cap­tain Kirk would start his trip wip­ing his shoe on some grass. Richard Dev­ereux, Here­ford

“NEW Zealand is closer than you think” said the New Zealand tourist board ad­vert on my Face­book page. Well ac­tu­ally, no. I thought it was only about 750 miles away un­til I looked it up. Gareth Price, Port­land

MY wife says that Rick Stein could only have cracked 15,000 eggs in his life­time. But I worked out that by eat­ing 4 per week for the last 10 years I’ve al­ready cracked 3120, a fifth of Rick’s to­tal. But he’s a chef for god’s sake. Can some­one clear this up for us? Ide­ally Rick him­self. Leo Mansell, Manch­ester

Rick Stein is in­deed a chef, Mr Mansell, but he only ever cooks fish, mus­sels and lob­sters, not eggs. So it could be that your wife is right. Per­haps any read­ers who are pass­ing his restau­rant in Pad­stowe could pop in and ask him how many eggs he’s cracked in his life. Or per­haps if Rick is read­ing this him­self, he could drop us a line and let us know the ex­act fig­ure.

EV­ERY time I call Pay­pal’s Help Cen­tre, an au­to­mated voice tells me they are ex­pe­ri­enc­ing un­fore­seen high caller num­bers and I’m put on lengthy hold. I have to say, it’s not fuck­ing un­fore­seen by me, Pay­pal. Al­wyne Kennedy, Lon­don

LAST night I dreamt I had a car called a Sausage Cooper. This morn­ing I had a sausage sand­wich for break­fast, then had a fridge de­liv­ered by a bloke called Barry Cooper. How spooky is that? Fat Al White, Wren­thorpe

IF WE know so much more about the sur­face of Mars than the bot­tom of our oceans, then why don’t the BBC do a doc­u­men­tary on it? They could call it The

Red Planet. I’m sure the li­cence payer would much pre­fer to see that than a few ugly fish. If Sir David At­ten­bor­ough isn’t in­ter­ested, I’m sure you could get Matt Damon on board. Any­body as long as it isn’t that fuck­ing Brian Cox. Steve Grigg, Cardiff

AP­PAR­ENTLY, as For­eign Sec­re­tary, Boris John­son oc­ca­sion­ally has to go and visit peo­ple who are in­car­cer­ated abroad. Surely be­ing forced to spend time with Boris John­son while trapped in a for­eign prison is a di­rect breach of the terms laid out in the Geneva Con­ven­tion. Gus­tav Fox, Cat­ford

SAW an ant in my kitchen the other day and so I placed a sugar cube in front of him. He had some of it and then went to tell his mates, so I quickly hid it be­cause I wanted them to think he was a liar. Martin Dunn, Jes­mond

I UN­DER­STAND that fish are hav­ing ter­ri­ble trou­ble di­gest­ing plas­tics that have been thrown into the sea. When my granny has trou­ble eat­ing her pota­toes, I sim­ply cut them up into small pieces for her. Surely if we all did the same thing, chop­ping up all those plas­tic bags and other bits of rub­bish be­fore we chucked them in the sea, the fish would have no trou­ble eat­ing them. D At­ten­bor­ough, Lon­don

LIKE many of your read­ers, I too have no­ticed the dis­gust­ing words that can be sung to BBC pro­gramme themes. I am par­tic­u­larly of­fended by the theme tune to Strictly Come Danc­ing which can be ac­com­pa­nied by: Take a stick of cel­ery, stick it up your bum, Take a stick of cel­ery, stick it up your bum, Shaaaaake it, Da-da-daaa-da-da! Take a stick of cel­ery, stick it up your bum. Not only is this dis­gust­ing to be on at prime time while chil­dren are watch­ing, I of­ten find that the cel­ery slips out dur­ing the ‘shake it’ part. Kev Cro­combe, Northamp­ton

I MET a girl to­day who wouldn’t say boo to a goose. For­tu­nately, even though I do have a goose, I have no par­tic­u­lar de­sire for any­body to star­tle it, so that isn’t re­ally a prob­lem. Mike Hatchard, St Leonards-on-Sea I NO­TICED a pro­hib­i­tive road traf­fic sign in town to­day which read “Buses and Taxis only”. Imag­ine my dis­gust when I ob­served a num­ber of pedes­tri­ans openly ig­nor­ing this com­mand and con­tin­u­ing to pro­ceed along the pave­ment of the street as if the sign weren’t there. It is the fla­grant dis­re­gard for rules such as this that will one day bring about the to­tal col­lapse of so­ci­ety. T.O’Neill, Glas­gow CAN any­thing else but some­thing un­safe be “deemed”? Mez, Canada

THAT Of­fice of Na­tional Statis­tics is a right load of rub­bish. I phoned them up the other day to find out what per­cent­age of the UK think Shane Ritchie is a com­plete bel­lend. Ap­par­ently they don’t hold that kind of in­for­ma­tion as it is not the type of statis­tic they deal with. It makes you won­der what we pay our taxes for. Stu Mandry, Droitwich Spa

WHEN I was a lad, my Mum used to al­ways tell me to be­ware of mag­pies steal­ing our sil­ver. “They’re right thiev­ing bas­tards” she used to say. How­ever, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a mag­pie do­ing any such thing, nor have I heard about it from any of my friends. So, ei­ther mag­pies are go­ing soft or my mum is a ly­ing bitch. What do your read­ers think? Dazza Scott, Bris­tol

I RE­CENTLY pur­chased a roll of Sel­lotape and no­ticed a ‘helpline’ tele­phone num­ber on the pack­ag­ing. How much trou­ble has any­one ever got into us­ing a roll of Sel­lotape? Martin Lan­g­ley, Sur­rey

I NOTE with in­ter­est that no fe­male ac­tors, politi­cians or talk­show hosts have been ac­cused of sex­ual ha­rass­ment or abuse. This sit­u­a­tion is overtly sex­ist and should be rec­ti­fied im­me­di­ately. Boyce Van Rens­burg, Tza­neen.

THIS so-called ‘witch hunt’ in Par­lia­ment is ut­terly ridicu­lous. All it’s turned up is a few toffs in suits who can’t keep their fuck­ing trousers on. I urge the au­thor­i­ties to go back to ba­sics and do it the old fash­ioned way. Give Theresa May an hour on the rack and then get the stakes set up in Par­lia­ment Square. Mor­ris Torque­mada, Truro GARY Nu­man and Gary Old­man are the same age. Which of them is ly­ing? Alan Bumparts, Swan­age

TO­DAY, to my amaze­ment, I farted out a sun­flower seed which must have come from the muesli I had for break­fast yes­ter­day. I’ve planted it in the gar­den and I can’t wait to see if it grows. Then I’ll have my very own spe­cial sun­flower. Peter Hall, Dork­ing

THAT Kim Jong-Un is al­ways smok­ing and I reckon he’s a Benny Hedges man. But my mate reck­ons he’s on the Wood­bines, and it’s the lack of a fil­ter that has stunted his growth. Any­way, if he wants ev­ery­one to take him more se­ri­ously when he’s threat­en­ing to bomb the world, I think he should smoke a curly Sher­lock Holmes pipe. Gor­don Ben­nett, Auckland

IT’S been a while since ex­trem­ist cleric Abu Qatada was last men­tioned on the news, which is a shame. I used to en­joy singing his name to the tune of ‘ Abra­cadabra’ by the Steve Miller Band. Bring him back, BBC. If you can do it for Por­ridge and Dr. Who, you can do it for Abu. Dy­lan Wildlevel, Cardiff DAVID At­ten­bor­ough tells us that seals and wal­ruses eat fish. But judg­ing by the size of them they must have a shit load of chips too. They don’t show you that on Blue Planet do they? Dave Gibbs, Bis­cuit Mow­bray

DON’T know why Egyp­tol­o­gists reckon that if they find a mummy with all its be­long­ings buried with it, then it was a pharaoh, or what­ever. They could have just as eas­ily had been some bloke who’d re­cently split up with his mis­sus and had to live in a bach­e­lor flat (or pyra­mid). He had all his shit with him be­cause he couldn’t af­ford stor­age and then died. Af­ter all, they reckon that di­vorce, death and mov­ing house are the most stress­ful things we have to en­dure. Sir Robert Ever­s­ley, Lon­don

PER­SON­ALLY, I’d scrap any fund­ing for these so-called ar­chae­o­log­i­cal digs. Ev­ery time I watch one on telly, they’re all us­ing ta­ble­spoons or tiny lit­tle trow­els. I know we all like to drag a cushy job out a bit, but that is just tak­ing the piss. Cromerty Forth, Ty­ne­side

AM con­stantly ap­palled by the BBC pre­sen­ters on the wire­less who in­sist on slow­ing down and em­pha­sis­ing their dic­tion when­ever a sum of money is men­tioned. “A di­a­mond heist to the value of... forty... mil­lion... pounds,” for in­stance. I am ex­tremely wealthy, so such pon­der­ous dwelling on tri­fling sums of money is as much an ir­ri­ta­tion to me as it is a waste of my valu­able time. And time is money, af­ter all. I urge your poorer read­ers to put their hob­nail-booted feet through their tran­sis­tor ra­dios, and send me the bill. Col. Sea­mus McGravy (re­tired), email

I’LL never un­der­stand why that bloke whose car has bro­ken down on the Quick­Quid loans ad­vert doesn’t sim­ply go through ev­ery­one’s wal­lets and hand­bags when the world around him freezes and time stands still. Tris­tram Bel­lend, Lu­ton

IMAG­INE that some­where there are peo­ple who count all the tea bags in a box, just to make sure the su­per­mar­kets aren’t rip­ping them off. Have these peo­ple got noth­ing bet­ter to do with their time? On the other hand, I imag­ine that there are also some peo­ple who never bother to check their teabag quan­tity, thus en­abling big busi­ness and su­per­mar­kets to keep rip­ping us off to their hearts’ con­tent. Who are these peo­ple? Ei­ther way, the world has gone mad. Dandino, York

HOW come ev­ery­one in the old days built their houses un­der­ground? Arche­ol­o­gists have to dig for ages to find their stuff. No won­der they all died out. If they’d built their houses above ground they would still be here. Mick Laf­fey, Heb­burn

THERE’S just no pleas­ing my mis­sus. She’s al­ways go­ing on about sav­ing the planet, re­cy­cling and go­ing pa­per­less. How­ever, when I went pa­per­less and used her towel to wipe my arse, she started kick­ing off. Women eh? Brian Trousers, Tring

COOKED Christ­mas din­ner this year and some­how man­aged to give my wife and all her fam­ily se­vere food poi­son­ing while avoid­ing it my­self. As a re­sult, none of them spoke to me for the whole of the fes­tive pe­riod. Did any of your read­ers have a bet­ter Christ­mas break than that? I doubt it. Steve Crouch, Peter­bor­ough

BUMS on seats, please, shoes on floor” read a quirky sign in the car­riage of the the train from Sh­effield to Leeds. But I’m sure if the man­age­ment of North­ern Rail saw the state of my arse some­times, par­tic­u­larly the morn­ing af­ter a re­ally good night out, they’d much rather I put my feet on the seats. Hamp­ton Ply­wood, Cheam I’VE just paid six quid for some pass­port pho­tos, but I only need one. If any­one needs a pass­port photo of me for any­thing, just give me a shout. Mal Al­cock, email

RA­DIO 4’s Gar­dener’s Ques­tion Time has been go­ing for over sixty years now. So how come peo­ple are still ring­ing and writ­ing in? There can’t be that many gar­den­ers out there who don’t know the an­swers, surely? If I was the Beeb, I’d just tell them to fuck off and find an­other hobby if this one’s too tricky for them. Nor­bert Den­trisan­gle, Cardiff

DON’T know why some of these home­less peo­ple don’t take a leaf out of Char­lie Chap­lin’s book and start twid­dling a walk­ing stick, twitch­ing their noses and kick­ing a cop­per up the arse now and again. It would eas­ily elicit fifty pence from me, and I’m not widely known for my gen­eros­ity. Tar­quin Bull­spiss, Croy­don

WAS con­sid­er­ing be­com­ing a ve­gan, but I’m not sure that I have the time to con­stantly tell peo­ple that I’m a ve­gan. Can you just let all your read­ers know that I’m go­ing ve­gan and they should be ashamed to eat meat, so I can just get it over with in one go?

Mark Jor­gensen, Manch­ester 5HOW

come peo­ple from the fu­ture, can make faster-thanlight drives, an­droids that are in­dis­tin­guish­able from hu­mans and can cure open wounds with the wave of a wand, yet they can’t make a re­li­able holo­gram that doesn’t crackle, splut­ter and break down? Come on, fu­ture folk, get your shit to­gether. Scotty Trot­ter, Nor­wich

af­ter their deaths, Bon­nie and Clyde’s bul­let-rid­den car was taken all over Amer­ica on dis­play and made the owner a for­tune. It’s such a shame that they them­selves didn’t think of do­ing that. Who knows, if they had, per­haps they wouldn’t have needed to live a life of crime af­ter all. Frankly Oxbridge, Sur­rey

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