CLIVE FOR A DAY
EVERYONE who isn’t called Clive has wondered at some point what it would be like to be called Clive, and they’re lying if they say they haven’t. But with so many Clives to choose from, which would YOU pick and why? We rounded up three of our fave celebs who aren’t called Clive and asked them one simple question: if you could spend a whole day as a Clive, which Clive would you choose?
Saddam Hussein, deceased dictator
I FAMOUSLY POPPED my clogs back in 2006, when I was hung from the neck until dead. As such, if I could be any Clive For A Day, I’d probably choose CLIVE ANDERSON, for the simple reason that he has no neck. I could then nip back to that fateful day 12 years ago, and bamboozle my would-be executioners, who’d all be scratching their heads, trying to figure out how to string me up! Plus, Anderson trained as a barrister before becoming a comedian, so I would be able to use my newfound legal nous to try and get myself off the hook. And if that didn’t work, I would simply hurl light-hearted abuse at my lynch mob until they stormed off in fury, like The Bee Gees.
Professor Brian Cox, tousle-haired astrophysicist
I EARN MY CRUST by fannying about with complex, modern things like long-range telescopes, Large Hadron Colliders and electronic synthesizers, and occasionally I find myself yearning for a simpler time. So if I was Clive For A Day, I think I’d be CLIVE DUNN, whose 1971 hit single Grandad found him reminiscing fondly about Penny Farthings and phonographs and all that sort of stuff. I’d spend my day as Clive sat in a comfortable rocking chair, wearing a flat cap whilst melodically recalling the halcyon days of yore. And then, 24 hours later, I would return to my futuristic synth-stabbing and star-gazing with a newfound fervour and zeal.
Ice T, gangsta rap icon
IF I COULD BE any Clive For A Day, I reckon I’d be CLIVE SWIFT. I absolutely love Keeping Up Appearances, and Clive’s hilarious performance as hen-pecked husband Richard Bucket has kept me chuckling away on many a long tour bus journey. Once I had transformed into Clive, I would invite a few pals over who are also fans of the show - such as P Diddy, Ice Cube and Ghostface Killah - and then I’d amuse them all by replicating the exasperated face Clive used to pull whenever Hyacinth shrieked, “The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking!” We’d all fall about laughing until the clock struck midnight and I turned back into my normal self again.