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PRE­TEND to be in a episode of Por­ridge by wan­der­ing around the house with a toi­let roll un­der you arm and telling mem­bers of your fam­ily to ‘Naff off!’ Mark Newman, Chea­dle Hulme

CHECK that there are ex­actly 50 me­tres of Sel­lotape on the roll by care­fully un­wind­ing it along­side an Olympic-sized swim­ming pool. If it has been cor­rectly dis­pensed at the fac­tory the tape will sit flush against ei­ther end. Matt Ward, Leeds

DON’T waste money on an ex­pen­sive leaf blower. Sim­ply use a broom and brush the leaves from out­side your house onto your neigh­bours’ prop­erty while ask­ing a friend to rev a mo­tor­bike. Stephen Lewis, Manch­ester OVER­COME shame at your own lack of phys­i­cal ac­tiv­ity when see­ing a jog­ger by imag­in­ing that they are a heroin ad­dict run­ning to their dealer for their next fix. Jay El­day, Lewisville CON­VINCE neigh­bours that you work for Net­flix by se­cretly ob­serv­ing their TV-watch­ing habits, then vis­it­ing them ev­ery day for a year to rec­om­mend fifty things that are sim­i­lar to one thing they mis­tak­enly watched the first ten sec­onds of. Sigil, Stock­port

MAKE your neigh­bour think that they have an ap­ple tree by scat­ter­ing some ap­ples un­der a ran­dom tree or shrub in their gar­den. Poo­ley, Thorn­bury

CELEBRI­TIES. Carry a swa­nee whis­tle with you at all times to dis­guise se­ri­ous sex­ual trans­gres­sions as nec­es­sary re­search for a Carry-On film role. Nick, Abbeyfeale, Co. Lim­er­ick

TRAF­FIC light man­u­fac­tur­ers. When de­sign­ing sys­tems in­cor­po­rat­ing a light for a fil­ter lane, please in­clude a loud bang that goes off when it turns green so that the gorm­less twat at the front knows it has changed. Gareth Kearns, Malvern

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