Ex-school­friend lifts lid on Markle’s sto­ry­book up­bring­ing

VIZ - - News -

EV­ERY­ONE agrees that the ro­mance be­tween the dash­ing prince and the glam­orous Amer­i­can star­let is like a fairy­tale come true. But ac­cord­ing to one of the royal bride-to-be’s for­mer class­mates, the 36-year-old Suits ac­tress’s whole life has been a fairy­tale. Now, in a hastily writ­ten bi­og­ra­phy, Hum­ber­side-based PAIGE MUNCHAUSEN has lifted the lid on Markle’s re­mark­able life story, a story that has fi­nally cul­mi­nated in a pro­posal of mar­riage from a real life Prince Charm­ing. “I knew we were friends the first time we met on our first day at Kin­der­garten,” re­calls Munchausen, 58. “The teacher asked ev­ery­one in the class to draw a pic­ture of their house. I drew a pic­ture of the trailer where I lived, whilst Meghan’s pic­ture was of a gin­ger­bread cot­tage in the mid­dle of an en­chanted for­est.” “She ex­plained that she’d been found aban­doned in a bas­ket by a wood­cut­ter and his wife, who was bar­ren. And it was true, be­cause I used to go round to her house some­times af­ter school and we’d just eat bits of the house when we got peck­ish.” Ac­cord­ing to Munchausen, Markle’s idyl­lic child­hood came to an end af­ter her adop­tive mother died when she was eaten by a talk­ing wolf. She re­mem­bers: “Her fa­ther re­mar­ried to a wicked step­mother who had two ugly daugh­ters of her own. They treated her badly, no bet­ter than a ser vant, mak­ing her clean out the fire­place and do all the chores be­fore com­ing to school.”

“She would reg­u­larly turn up for class with bare feet, wear­ing tat­tered rags and with soot on her cheeks. The other chil­dren would taunt her, laugh­ing at her thread­bare clothes and di­shev­elled hair.”


Markle used to con­fide in her best friend, telling Paige how she was mis­treated at home. “She told me how her step­mother would make her live in the barn with the an­i­mals, and how she would of­ten cry her­self to sleep.”


One day in the fourth grade, Paige remm­bers, Markle failed to turn up for her lessons. “Meghan was al­ways a straight As stu­dent, so it was un­usual for her to skip school. Af­ter class, I went round to her house to see if she was okay.”

“When I got there, I was shocked to dis­cover that her wicked step­mother had locked her in the at­tic, and was re­fus­ing to let her out un­til she had spun some straw into gold.”

“I told her mom that I would re­port her to the po­lice for child cru­elty, and she even­tu­ally re­lented and re­leased her.”


Even­tu­ally, Markle could bear her ill treat­ment no longer and ran away deeper into the for­est, where she was given shel­ter by a group of dwarves who worked in a di­a­mond mine. Paige re­mem­bers: “Meghan was very happy through­out the time she spent liv­ing with the dwarves. Her grades went up at school, and she of­ten had a blue­bird on her fin­ger.”

But her hap­pi­ness was not to last. “We went to lunch one day and we no­ticed a new din­ner nanny. She had a long hairy chin, a hooked nose with a wart on it, and long bony fin­gers like gnarled twigs. And whereas most din­ner­ladies wear a white trilby with a hair­net, she had a tall black con­i­cal hat, with a brim.”


“Meghan went up to the counter and asked for her favourite, a hot dog and fries, but the new din­ner nanny beck­oned her closer in and said she had some­thing spe­cial for her - a shiny red ap­ple.”

“I was a lit­tle sus­pi­cious, but Meghan was so pure of heart and trust­ing that she took the ap­ple and bit into it. Im­me­di­ately she fell to the ground in a deep sleep. The din­ner­lady was ac­tu­ally a witch, and the ap­ple was en­chanted!”

Ac­cord­ing to Munchausen, Markle was im­me­di­ately taken to the med­i­cal room where the school nurse ex­am­ined her. “The nurse an­nounced that the only way to break the spell and wake Meghan from her sleep of death, was if she was kissed by a hand­some prince,” she re­mem­bers.


Paige re­mem­bered that the In­vic­tus Games were tak­ing place in a nearby sports cen­tre and alerted a mem­ber of staff who im­me­di­ately went round to see if the games’ pa­tron, Prince Harry, could pop over to the school to kiss a tragic pupil out of a wicked witch’s spell. He gal­lantly agreed.

Paige re­mem­bers: “By the time Harry ar­rived in the nurse’s of­fice, a load of wood­land crea­tures had turned up af­ter hear­ing what had hap­pened to Meghan. They were gath­ered around the glass case where she had been laid, and were stand­ing with their heads bowed in sad­ness. Harry walked through the door and in­stantly fell in love with Meghan.”


“He bent over her sleep­ing form and kissed her ten­derly on the lips. She im­me­di­ately woke up from her dream­less sleep. The witch’s spell had been bro­ken, and the an­i­mals danced around the room with joy.”

Meghan went back to her classes and Harry went back to his royal du­ties, but Paige knew that the seeds of ro­mance had been sown, and that noth­ing could now keep the pair apart. “True love al­ways finds a way,” she says. “I knew that one day they would be mar­ried and live hap­pily ever af­ter.”


Munchausen, now work­ing on a zero hours con­tract at an all-night petrol sta­tion in Hull, now hopes that her for­mer school­friend will think of her when com­pil­ing the guest list for her forth­com­ing wed­ding cer­e­mony in May. “I just hope she re­mem­bers that it was me what brought her and her Prince Charm­ing to­gether all those years ago,” she smiles. “If it wasn’t for my quick think­ing, she’d still be ly­ing in a glass case in the school med­i­cal room, still un­der the witch’s sleep­ing spell.”

“I’m look­ing for­ward to get­ting an in­vite to the wed­ding. I hope I get to sit next to the Queen, so we can have a nice chat. Like her, I’ve got lots of dogs, so we could have a good old nat­ter.”

Fairy­tales Can Come True: The Life of Meghan Markle by Paige Munchausen (Cash-In Books, £13.99), will be pub­lished on Fe­bru­ary 2nd, or pos­si­bly sooner if she gets it fin­ished in time.

GRIMM STORY: Markle’s child­hood was full of woe.

HARR-ILY EVER AF­TER: Markle bagged gin­ger bred man.

CHORE BLIMEY!: The dirty kitchen Markle was forced to work in by her wicked step­mother.

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