MEGHAN’S FAIRYTALE LIFE
Ex-schoolfriend lifts lid on Markle’s storybook upbringing
EVERYONE agrees that the romance between the dashing prince and the glamorous American starlet is like a fairytale come true. But according to one of the royal bride-to-be’s former classmates, the 36-year-old Suits actress’s whole life has been a fairytale. Now, in a hastily written biography, Humberside-based PAIGE MUNCHAUSEN has lifted the lid on Markle’s remarkable life story, a story that has finally culminated in a proposal of marriage from a real life Prince Charming. “I knew we were friends the first time we met on our first day at Kindergarten,” recalls Munchausen, 58. “The teacher asked everyone in the class to draw a picture of their house. I drew a picture of the trailer where I lived, whilst Meghan’s picture was of a gingerbread cottage in the middle of an enchanted forest.” “She explained that she’d been found abandoned in a basket by a woodcutter and his wife, who was barren. And it was true, because I used to go round to her house sometimes after school and we’d just eat bits of the house when we got peckish.” According to Munchausen, Markle’s idyllic childhood came to an end after her adoptive mother died when she was eaten by a talking wolf. She remembers: “Her father remarried to a wicked stepmother who had two ugly daughters of her own. They treated her badly, no better than a ser vant, making her clean out the fireplace and do all the chores before coming to school.”
“She would regularly turn up for class with bare feet, wearing tattered rags and with soot on her cheeks. The other children would taunt her, laughing at her threadbare clothes and dishevelled hair.”
Markle used to confide in her best friend, telling Paige how she was mistreated at home. “She told me how her stepmother would make her live in the barn with the animals, and how she would often cry herself to sleep.”
One day in the fourth grade, Paige remmbers, Markle failed to turn up for her lessons. “Meghan was always a straight As student, so it was unusual for her to skip school. After class, I went round to her house to see if she was okay.”
“When I got there, I was shocked to discover that her wicked stepmother had locked her in the attic, and was refusing to let her out until she had spun some straw into gold.”
“I told her mom that I would report her to the police for child cruelty, and she eventually relented and released her.”
Eventually, Markle could bear her ill treatment no longer and ran away deeper into the forest, where she was given shelter by a group of dwarves who worked in a diamond mine. Paige remembers: “Meghan was very happy throughout the time she spent living with the dwarves. Her grades went up at school, and she often had a bluebird on her finger.”
But her happiness was not to last. “We went to lunch one day and we noticed a new dinner nanny. She had a long hairy chin, a hooked nose with a wart on it, and long bony fingers like gnarled twigs. And whereas most dinnerladies wear a white trilby with a hairnet, she had a tall black conical hat, with a brim.”
“Meghan went up to the counter and asked for her favourite, a hot dog and fries, but the new dinner nanny beckoned her closer in and said she had something special for her - a shiny red apple.”
“I was a little suspicious, but Meghan was so pure of heart and trusting that she took the apple and bit into it. Immediately she fell to the ground in a deep sleep. The dinnerlady was actually a witch, and the apple was enchanted!”
According to Munchausen, Markle was immediately taken to the medical room where the school nurse examined her. “The nurse announced that the only way to break the spell and wake Meghan from her sleep of death, was if she was kissed by a handsome prince,” she remembers.
Paige remembered that the Invictus Games were taking place in a nearby sports centre and alerted a member of staff who immediately went round to see if the games’ patron, Prince Harry, could pop over to the school to kiss a tragic pupil out of a wicked witch’s spell. He gallantly agreed.
Paige remembers: “By the time Harry arrived in the nurse’s office, a load of woodland creatures had turned up after hearing what had happened to Meghan. They were gathered around the glass case where she had been laid, and were standing with their heads bowed in sadness. Harry walked through the door and instantly fell in love with Meghan.”
“He bent over her sleeping form and kissed her tenderly on the lips. She immediately woke up from her dreamless sleep. The witch’s spell had been broken, and the animals danced around the room with joy.”
Meghan went back to her classes and Harry went back to his royal duties, but Paige knew that the seeds of romance had been sown, and that nothing could now keep the pair apart. “True love always finds a way,” she says. “I knew that one day they would be married and live happily ever after.”
Munchausen, now working on a zero hours contract at an all-night petrol station in Hull, now hopes that her former schoolfriend will think of her when compiling the guest list for her forthcoming wedding ceremony in May. “I just hope she remembers that it was me what brought her and her Prince Charming together all those years ago,” she smiles. “If it wasn’t for my quick thinking, she’d still be lying in a glass case in the school medical room, still under the witch’s sleeping spell.”
“I’m looking forward to getting an invite to the wedding. I hope I get to sit next to the Queen, so we can have a nice chat. Like her, I’ve got lots of dogs, so we could have a good old natter.”
Fairytales Can Come True: The Life of Meghan Markle by Paige Munchausen (Cash-In Books, £13.99), will be published on February 2nd, or possibly sooner if she gets it finished in time.
GRIMM STORY: Markle’s childhood was full of woe.
HARR-ILY EVER AFTER: Markle bagged ginger bred man.
CHORE BLIMEY!: The dirty kitchen Markle was forced to work in by her wicked stepmother.