BAT­TLE OF THE ARSES

VIZ - - News -

IT’S the de­bate that’s split­ting the na­tion up the mid­dle like a tight thong; PIPPA MID­DLE­TON or MEGHAN

MARKLE - just which royal hot­tie has the most de­lec­ta­ble der­rière? We went out on the street to find out where the Great Bri­tish Public’s al­le­giance lies…

“…WHILST both these der­ri­eres are de­lec­ta­ble, we Bri­tons should show a bit of pa­tri­o­tism and back Pippa’s Great Bri­tish back­side to the hilt.” Hilton Bus­cel, oph­thalmic sur­geon

“…PIPPA Mid­dle­ton’s arse is al­right, but time doesn’t stand still. Now Pippa Mid­dle­ton’s arse has to move over and make way for Meghan Markle’s arse. Your mo­ment in the sun is over, Pippa Mid­dle­ton’s arse. There’s a new arse in town - Meghan Markle’s arse.” Peter Paul Ro­get, Th­e­saurus com­piler

“…AS AN AMER­I­CAN, Meghan Markle’s chuff will have been nipped, tucked, botoxed and bleached into a state of un­real per­fec­tion. Pippa’s dirt­box, on the other hand, has de­vel­oped as mother na­ture in­tended and gets my vote over Markle’s pam­pered and preened plas­tic mon­stros­ity any day of the week.” Cuth­bert Creme, Com­mu­nity Sup­port Of­fi­cer

“…THERE’S far too much con­flict in Bri­tain these days, and in the wake of the Brexit ref­er­en­dum, the last thing we need is yet an­other ar­gu­ment to come be­tween us. Let’s just agree that Pippa has the best left cheek, Meghan has the best right cheek, draw a line un­der this whole frac­tious de­bate and move on.” Peter Vic­tor An­drew Woodglue, English teacher

“…AS AN ENGLISH teacher, Mr Woodglue should be aware that, when de­scrib­ing the rel­a­tive mer­its of two things, such as the right or left arse cheeks of two women, the cor­rect word to use is “bet­ter”, not “best”. God help his pupils.” Prof A Gowans-Whyte, univer­sity don

“…DON’T get me wrong, Princess Meghan’s got a lovely arse, but I’ll never for­get the mo­ment I first caught sight of Pippa’s shit­ter in that tight white dress as it made its way up the steps of St Paul’s Cathe­dral. It was like two hard­boiled eggs in a hand­ker­chief.” Rev J Fou­cault, Truro

“…AS A SCI­EN­TIST, I know that it is im­pos­si­ble to com­pare two en­ti­ties un­less all ex­tra­ne­ous vari­ables are kept the same. Un­til we see Meghan Markle’s arse in a tight white dress, sashay­ing its way saucily up the steps of St Paul’s, any com­par­isons with Pippa’s muck­spreader are sci­en­tif­i­cally mean­ing­less.” Jim Al-Kalili, Eg­gheaded egghead

“…PRO­FES­SOR Al-Kalili is demon­strat­ing the “bad sci­ence” that is sadly preva­lent among Bri­tain’s boffins these days. To get any mean­ing­ful re­sults in an arse com­par­i­son of this sort, Pippa and Meghan’s booties would have to be ex­am­ined si­mul­ta­ne­ously in a dou­ble blind ex­per­i­ment, while wear­ing iden­ti­cal dresses. Each chuff would be scored out of 100 by at least 500 in­de­pen­dent ob­servers who are un­aware whose arse they are ogling. The high­est and low­est 20 scores would then be dis­carded as sta­tis­ti­cal out­liers, be­fore an av­er­age was taken of the re­main­ing 460 re­sults. Only then could a valid, re­li­able and sta­tis­ti­cally rel­e­vant sci­en­tific judge­ment be made. Hav­ing said that, Pippa’s dirt­box didn’t half give me a proper tent­pole at the Royal Wed­ding.” Dr Ben Goldacre, epi­demi­ol­o­gist

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