WEDDY... TEDDY... K.O! Edward to helm wedding TV coverage
ACCORDING to Buckingham Palace, PRINCE EDWARD is to mastermind live TV coverage of the wedding ceremony. And he plans to keep viewers entertained during the lengthy service in St George’s Chapel, Windsor, by bringing his hugely successful It’s a Royal Knockout format out of retirement.
“Producing the original top-rated show took its toll on the Prince, and he decided to take a short thirty year break in order to recharge his batteries,” said a Palace spokesman. “But he’s now ready to start working on a load of great new ideas to incorporate in the broadcast of Harry and Meghan’s wedding.”
Edward told TV Quick magazine: “Royal occasions, such as weddings, christenings and state funerals, can be such stuffy, po-faced affairs. I really want to shake the traditional format up a bit and bring some of my trademark slapstick fun and knockabout laughs to my nephew’s forthcoming nuptials.”
And the failed Marine had this message for viewers: “If you thought the original It’s a Royal Knockout was bonkers, hold onto your hats, because
It’s a Royal Marriage Knockout will be even more bonkers than that! It’s going to be an absolute scream!”
Edward outlined some of the zany stunts that royal watchers can expect to see when they tune in to coverage of the wedding ceremony. “The fun’s going to start right from the moment Harry steps out of his carriage outside St George’s Chapel.”
He told the magazine: “Instead of the traditional red carpet leading up the church steps, there’s going to be a greased slope that the groom, dressed in a ten foot foam tail suit costume with a hole cut out of the chest for him to look through, has to negotiate.”
“Of course, in true It’s a Knockout style, that won’t be quite as easy as it sounds, because the ushers - dressed in their ceremonial garb but with training shoes on - will be gathered at the top of the slope, hampering his progress by hurling football-sized pieces of wedding cake at him,” Edward continued. “It’s going to be so funny. Honestly, absolutely everyone will be in fits just like they were back in 1987.”
Even when he gets into St George’s Chapel, Harry’s problems won’t be over. Edward explained what he had lined up for his nephew next. “In order to make his way up the aisle to the altar, he’ll have to run the gauntlet of the choir, who will be swinging enormous padded wrecking balls at him in an attempt to knock him off his feet and into the pews,” he continued. “The whole country will be splitting its sides at his farcical antics, as he pulls his face hole down to see where he’s going.”
“Once Harry gets to the front, it will be Meghan’s turn, and we’ve some terrific pranks lined up to play on her,” Edward continued. “Dressed in a huge foam bridal gown, she ‘ll be attached to a powerful bungee rope that will pull her off her feet every time she gets near the altar. It’s going to be an absolute hoot.”
Other highlights for viewers will include:
★ The ARCHBISHOP OF CANTER
BURY performing the ceremony on a greased turntable that gets faster the further he gets through the order of service ★ As the congregation leave the church, they’ll be bombarded with polystyrene horseshoes as they at- tempt to negotiate the greasy slope ★ At the reception, the QUEEN and the
DUKE OF EDINBURGH, if he’s still alive, trying to assemble the tiers of an oversized polystyrene wedding cake while the bride’s parents try to knock it down by throwing wet sponges ★ Before leaving for their honeymoon, the couple will have to throw suitcases marked ‘Just Married’ through the opening and closing boot lid of a giant dummy taxi ★ On their wedding night, dressed in oversized nightshirts and Wee Willie Winkie caps, the couple will have to fill two enormous Champagne glasses with coloured water to a pre-determined mark on Arthur Ellis’s Halifax Brewery dipstick Edward told the magazine that he is working round the clock to ensure the broadcast is as successful as its 1987 predecessor. “Once the show has gone out and I’ve flounced out of the press conference in a huff, I’ll probably take another wellearned thirty years off,” he added.
Clown Prince: Edward wants to bring back classic TV show for nephew’s nuptials.
House of Fun?: St George’s Chapel.