WEDDY... TEDDY... K.O! Ed­ward to helm wed­ding TV cov­er­age

VIZ - - News -

AC­CORD­ING to Buck­ing­ham Palace, PRINCE ED­WARD is to mas­ter­mind live TV cov­er­age of the wed­ding cer­e­mony. And he plans to keep view­ers en­ter­tained dur­ing the lengthy ser­vice in St Ge­orge’s Chapel, Wind­sor, by bring­ing his hugely suc­cess­ful It’s a Royal Knock­out for­mat out of re­tire­ment.

“Pro­duc­ing the orig­i­nal top-rated show took its toll on the Prince, and he de­cided to take a short thirty year break in or­der to recharge his bat­ter­ies,” said a Palace spokesman. “But he’s now ready to start work­ing on a load of great new ideas to in­cor­po­rate in the broad­cast of Harry and Meghan’s wed­ding.”

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Ed­ward told TV Quick mag­a­zine: “Royal oc­ca­sions, such as wed­dings, chris­ten­ings and state fu­ner­als, can be such stuffy, po-faced af­fairs. I re­ally want to shake the tra­di­tional for­mat up a bit and bring some of my trade­mark slap­stick fun and knock­about laughs to my nephew’s forth­com­ing nup­tials.”

And the failed Ma­rine had this mes­sage for view­ers: “If you thought the orig­i­nal It’s a Royal Knock­out was bonkers, hold onto your hats, be­cause

It’s a Royal Mar­riage Knock­out will be even more bonkers than that! It’s go­ing to be an ab­so­lute scream!”

Ed­ward out­lined some of the zany stunts that royal watch­ers can ex­pect to see when they tune in to cov­er­age of the wed­ding cer­e­mony. “The fun’s go­ing to start right from the mo­ment Harry steps out of his car­riage out­side St Ge­orge’s Chapel.”

He told the mag­a­zine: “In­stead of the tra­di­tional red car­pet lead­ing up the church steps, there’s go­ing to be a greased slope that the groom, dressed in a ten foot foam tail suit cos­tume with a hole cut out of the chest for him to look through, has to ne­go­ti­ate.”

“Of course, in true It’s a Knock­out style, that won’t be quite as easy as it sounds, be­cause the ush­ers - dressed in their cer­e­mo­nial garb but with train­ing shoes on - will be gath­ered at the top of the slope, ham­per­ing his progress by hurl­ing foot­ball-sized pieces of wed­ding cake at him,” Ed­ward con­tin­ued. “It’s go­ing to be so funny. Hon­estly, ab­so­lutely ev­ery­one will be in fits just like they were back in 1987.”

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Even when he gets into St Ge­orge’s Chapel, Harry’s prob­lems won’t be over. Ed­ward ex­plained what he had lined up for his nephew next. “In or­der to make his way up the aisle to the al­tar, he’ll have to run the gaunt­let of the choir, who will be swing­ing enor­mous padded wreck­ing balls at him in an at­tempt to knock him off his feet and into the pews,” he con­tin­ued. “The whole coun­try will be split­ting its sides at his far­ci­cal an­tics, as he pulls his face hole down to see where he’s go­ing.”

“Once Harry gets to the front, it will be Meghan’s turn, and we’ve some ter­rific pranks lined up to play on her,” Ed­ward con­tin­ued. “Dressed in a huge foam bridal gown, she ‘ll be at­tached to a pow­er­ful bungee rope that will pull her off her feet ev­ery time she gets near the al­tar. It’s go­ing to be an ab­so­lute hoot.”

Other high­lights for view­ers will in­clude:

★ The ARCHBISHOP OF CAN­TER

BURY per­form­ing the cer­e­mony on a greased turntable that gets faster the fur­ther he gets through the or­der of ser­vice ★ As the con­gre­ga­tion leave the church, they’ll be bom­barded with poly­styrene horse­shoes as they at- tempt to ne­go­ti­ate the greasy slope ★ At the re­cep­tion, the QUEEN and the

DUKE OF ED­IN­BURGH, if he’s still alive, try­ing to as­sem­ble the tiers of an over­sized poly­styrene wed­ding cake while the bride’s par­ents try to knock it down by throw­ing wet sponges ★ Be­fore leav­ing for their hon­ey­moon, the cou­ple will have to throw suit­cases marked ‘Just Mar­ried’ through the open­ing and clos­ing boot lid of a gi­ant dummy taxi ★ On their wed­ding night, dressed in over­sized night­shirts and Wee Wil­lie Winkie caps, the cou­ple will have to fill two enor­mous Cham­pagne glasses with coloured wa­ter to a pre-de­ter­mined mark on Arthur El­lis’s Hal­i­fax Brew­ery dip­stick Ed­ward told the mag­a­zine that he is work­ing round the clock to en­sure the broad­cast is as suc­cess­ful as its 1987 pre­de­ces­sor. “Once the show has gone out and I’ve flounced out of the press con­fer­ence in a huff, I’ll prob­a­bly take an­other wel­learned thirty years off,” he added.

Clown Prince: Ed­ward wants to bring back clas­sic TV show for nephew’s nup­tials.

House of Fun?: St Ge­orge’s Chapel.

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